0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised.
0:00:30 – Speaker 3
Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:34 – Speaker 1
Today’s show is about answering this question Does this build up or does it tear down? And what we mean by that is when you’re doing something or saying something, is it building somewhat up or is it tearing them down? in that moment, you know what I’m saying.
0:00:47 – Speaker 2
Oh, I think this show’s gonna hurt a little bit.
0:00:50 – Speaker 1
It already does. I’m in pain right now.
0:00:54 – Speaker 2
Well, i think you know that even under like, quote-unquote, normal circumstances, you know, when we have more space and distance between our spouse and our kids, we do a pretty good job of building up and encouraging. But we still, you know, can sometimes snap off and say something really negative with our words to them. And so I mean, i think about, like, picking my kids up from school, right, and I used to get in the car. How’d you do on that math test? Awesome Way to go, you know. Like, when they’re telling me a story about helping someone at lunch, oh, i’m so proud of you for for helping that that child at lunch, right, we don’t have those opportunities anymore.
0:01:39 – Speaker 1
Well, i think it’s because we’re we’re mixing everything up, whereas before there was this separation where you know most people your kids go to school during the day and their teachers have this structure and they have all the instruction and there’s this rhythm to their day. That’s apart from you. And so they kind of take all of that and funnel it into probably mostly the good things when you see them again, like you said, in the car, and so you get to be in that cheerleader space. You haven’t been in that other space of teacher and all the other roles. You are literally being reunited with your loved one, whether it’s your husband or your kid, at the end of the day, and you get to talk about the good and you get to shore them up and you get to build them up When we’re home all the time it looks a little bit different.
0:02:25 – Speaker 2
Well, i think you touch on something like everything’s changed. Roles have changed. You know we are in this weird space and we’re spending all this time with each other, so all these annoying little habits come out. You know, like like our family were, like we didn’t realize you chewed that loudly. Can you please stop? You know super like little but annoying little things that we’re noticing more now And I think that we’re in also like all this stress that everything is causing. In this turmoil and all these unknowns, we’re just more apt to respond negatively because we’re stressed.
0:03:04 – Speaker 1
Yeah, well, we’re stretched, we’re stressed because we’re stretched. You know what I mean.
0:03:09 – Speaker 2
There you go, sister. That’s a good one.
0:03:12 – Speaker 1
Well, i’m just saying it like I feel right now I’m stretched and there’s not really much of a natural break in the day, and so it’s hard to dig deep and to look at your loved ones and think about all the good things they’re doing or all the ways you can Speak into them when they’re like where are the chicken nuggets? I’m hungry And what was that math test that I needed to do? It’s just, you know, we’re filling in the gap of all these roles that we usually share with multiple other adults. Yeah, now we are doing them all.
0:03:47 – Speaker 2
Yeah, i think. I think that’s where I’ve noticed. You know I have to be not naggy, but kind of naggy. You know I hate that word, but have you turned this in? Have you connected with this teacher? Have you like? I’m all doing that And so I think sometimes I’m missing the praise portion because I’m so, so focused on all the tasks that need to be done now.
0:04:09 – Speaker 1
Yeah, well, and that’s what we were saying earlier is it’s really You’re trying to combine all of that at one time instead of reserving that space where you’re reunited at the end of the day? Now you’re together all the time. So we really wanted to talk about what that looks like on a practical level and why it’s so important all the time, but especially now because of all the changes that are going on for our kids. Why do we need to pay attention to the build up portion of our actions and our words?
0:04:40 – Speaker 2
You know, i was making dinner this week and I had a situation that kind of made me take pause and think about this. And dinner was almost ready and I was I was the one cooking it and preparing it and We’re getting ready to sit down and eat and one of my kids started making something else to go along with the meal. And in my mind I’m like, what are you doing? And but I actually said it and there was no filter that came out. It was a horrible tone. What are you doing? Like we’re ready to eat? So it wasn’t in your mind, it was in my mind, but it also came out my mouth. You know I’m like, ah, and I had a lot of tone in my voice because it was kind of like a snap, snap, let’s stay on schedule. You know, i got this kind of thing. It was just really condescending the way I said it And this kid of mine replied and said I just wanted to be helpful.
Oh man, i just like stopped in my tracks and I just realized that I had such a bad response Because in that moment, you know, all I was worried about was an extra mess in the kitchen that I hadn’t planned on, and it just kind of was like a you know, i think about my kids going to school and they would have encouragement from their teachers too. They would have the that a boy, that a boy’s way to go, you know all that stuff. And they’re not getting that either. And then when I’m not praising them, there’s nobody like reminding them of how great they are and how helpful they are and how you know how, what their benefit is. You know what I mean, and I think they’re also stressed in unknown territory, and it just it just caused me to like pause and think for a moment that my words and my responses really do matter.
0:06:41 – Speaker 1
They do, and I think it’s important to take note, which I think is just funny. We have these realizations and we have these moments as parents And then we’re like, oh right, god said that. You know what I mean. First, thessalonians 511 says encourage one another and build each other up. It’s not just an observation by me and Kim or by parenting people around the world. God said this like this is what we need to do to help each other while we are on this earth to maintain, because life is hard and it is challenging, and as hard and challenging as it is for us. Imagine our kids, who are figuring all this out in the midst of all their hormones and all the things that they face with the online world, and now their whole world has been turned upside down. And then they turn and look at mom, thinking I’m just going to help her out for dinner, and they get snappy, snappy. I’m not trying to rub it in.
0:07:38 – Speaker 2
You’re trying to make me feel worse. Kim, are you building me up or are you sharing me?
0:07:44 – Speaker 1
I’m not doing you up. I’m not doing my job as a friend. Oh, first Thessalonians failure.
0:07:49 – Speaker 2
No, you’re right, You’re right, i’m totally joking, you’re right. You know, i thought of Proverbs 14 one. It says a wise woman builds her home, builds her home, but a foolish one woman tears it down with her own hands. And in that moment I really was convicted because I thought, here I just tore down you know my kid with my tone and my response, and why would I do that, you know? and I got really upset with myself because I know better, like I know these scriptures, right, yeah, but in the middle of all this mess, sometimes the human, the flesh, you know just, we just respond badly.
0:08:34 – Speaker 1
Well, and we all of our shows that we’ve done lately. we’ve talked about giving yourself grace because it’s going to happen. So I think if we we need to say that this is going to happen, we’re all going to mess up And in this whole situation it’s going to probably be more than usual. So, first of all, give yourself grace. But then I think that cool thing is, all of these moments are teachable moments. you know, turning around and saying man, even if it’s a day or two later, i was, i was thinking about this scripture and I realized in this moment I really blew it in asking for an apology from your kiddo, but what a wonderful teachable moment. that is about integrity and humility and the way to build up your home even when you mess up. Well, i think, even though I’ve given you a hard time, it can become such a beautiful teachable moment, not only for your kid but also for yourself, and remembering to give yourself grace into how important parents are in building up their kids in the simplest, littlest moment.
0:09:29 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think too, when we go back to our loved ones and apologize and say the scripture was running through my mind and I really messed up, the other thing that it does to is it shows them that God is wisdom. I mean, you know, god has pointed me in the right direction and he pointed out when I was wrong and what I needed to fix, and I think it just helps them with that foundation of turning to God for wisdom as well. You know, you know, let’s look at how do we build up or tear down? because with me, i tore down with my words, my tone and my words. They were not good, but it doesn’t have to be tone or words, right?
0:10:11 – Speaker 1
Well, in my house I have a mixture of kids and a spouse who are built up or torn down by different things. Like I have one kiddo who is super sensitive and is very intuitive when it comes to words and things like that, and I can build him up with words and he will just shine bright when that happens, but just a look tears him down. That’s all it takes for him.
0:10:42 – Speaker 2
And you’ve got to look. You’ve got to look about you sometimes.
0:10:46 – Speaker 1
Oh, i got to look. Anyone who knows me well knows the look, and I try so hard not to give the look And I don’t even realize I’m doing it sometimes. But it’s amazing how just a look I can crush my kid’s spirit, and that’s a lot of weight to carry around, and so it’s something I really have to pay attention to and think about that. My kid may come in to the kitchen and want to help, which happens all the time, and I’m like you I have. I’m like we eat at six o’clock and at six 30, we take a walk after dinner, then we shower and then it’s, you know whatever. Like we have this schedule and like we’re running behind And I don’t have to say anything And I give the look and it just.
They will walk out of the room like defeated, i’m not wanted here And there’s no reason for that. It doesn’t have to be that way, and so not always words, but oftentimes a look or sentiment or your body language. Your words may be like Oh, i’m so glad you came to help me, but your body language is like Oh, my gosh, let’s hurry this up and get it over with. So I think we have to look at it from a lot of different angles, beyond just words and how we build up or tear down our kids.
0:11:52 – Speaker 2
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0:12:16 – Speaker 3
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0:12:42 – Speaker 2
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If you’re just now tuning in, we are talking about building up instead of tearing down, and you know we could really talk about building up anyone around us, our friends, our coworkers, whatever but today we’re really focusing on our loved ones, like our immediate family, our spouse and our kids, and I was thinking about this this week.
You know how often do I, kim, put a lot of thought into like a Facebook post or a Twitter post, because I want my tone to be right. Right, and I put all the thought into that. But then, when it comes to my family, i’ll just spout words off, like I won’t put a lot of thought into what I’m saying to them. Right, because I’m comfortable with them. I’ve let my guard down, they know my heart, so I don’t have to like think about the tone as much. But God really convicted me of that this week. Like you put all this effort into your tone of a social media post. I need you to put that effort into the tone with your family. You need to make sure you’re building them up and not tearing them down.
0:13:55 – Speaker 1
You know. I love that you shared that, because I think that’s really true, that outward acceptance and that outward image really plays into this whole conversation And I think that’s important. I think it’s important for us to recognize where we’re putting our emotional energy right now. And, man, i don’t think there’s much more we could do that would have wonderful fruit than build up our kids and our spouse right now while we’re stuck inside. It’s such an encouragement to feel like someone sees you and they see why you’re important to the family and what you do well, and then actually speaks life into that. So I’m glad that you said that, because I think that’s really important And I think that it looks different. You know, when we’re building up or tearing down, like I said before, for me it’s a look that tears down, but also when we’re talking about building up, that looks really different too.
And, for example, i could tell you one of my kiddos is a gamer like one of yours. Well, two of them really are, but one is more of your typical gamer. He knows all the things and all the details and he loves to talk about it And if I’m being completely honest, i could care less, like I don’t want to know all the details of any of the games. It is nowhere in my body that longs to be a professional gamer, but it’s important to my kid. And when he comes over and he’s like, mom, i gotta tell you about this new thing that I got and it does this.
And then when you do this, it does this and more into this and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, And in my head it sounds like that Blah, blah, blah, blah. And so I want to turn around and be like, okay, whatever, i don’t care, and walk away because I don’t care. But that would be a physical tearing down of my kid by walking away. And so I build him up in that moment. But by saying nothing, just listening, by being present for him, by being tuned into what’s important to him, that builds up his little spirit, because it tells him that what he says matters to me. And so that’s another way we can build up without even using words, just honoring and being present for the things that matter to our people.
0:16:07 – Speaker 2
Well, and we did a show similar to that. I think it was called like being a yes parent in a no world and just learning what’s important to your kid and investing in that. Like getting to know your kid and accepting their little quirks and all the little things that they like, that you may not like And I love that And you know it. Really, we have to shift our focus. We have to go from like a servant mind of am I going to build up or tear down in this response versus a selfish in word thought process. You know what I mean.
Like my response with the dinner it was all selfish. It was all about an extra mess that I was going to have to clean up and, you know, not sticking to my schedule. It was all selfish. I didn’t think through and say is this going to build up or tear down? my kid And that is how I can be a servant to them is to continually think that in my head before I respond. And since that night I’ve been doing that and I’ve noticed like my words are more encouraging, like just having that internal thought of is this going to build up or is this going to tear down? You know, like it’s like two little people talking on opposite side of my shoulders. That’s what I visualized.
0:17:22 – Speaker 1
There’s so many versions of you I’m having trouble keeping up.
0:17:25 – Speaker 2
I know, girl, i know I’m all over the place.
0:17:28 – Speaker 1
You know what is funny though I was, as I was thinking about the show, i was thinking about how gracious God is and that He didn’t make it like trigonometry. He didn’t make it like, you know, science that is beyond our understanding. He gave us these gifts and abilities that are basic, like stop and take a breath before you respond. It’s simple, it doesn’t mean it’s easy to do, but the instructions are simple, like stop and say is this going to build up or tear down? It’s nothing fancy or complicated, but it’s hard to do because it requires having that servant heart. And so I think that can be our prayer, you know, as we’re trying to figure out how to do this better, praying for God to give us the strength and the servant heart that in that Holy Spirit moment, when our kid says something, we’re like oh yeah, i’m going to breathe here, oh yeah, i’m going to ask myself this, he comes alongside us to help us with that, and I’m very thankful for that, because if it was much more difficult, i would fail every single time.
0:18:29 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and I would also add I love what you said about how simple it is but how hard it is to do, you know, and how that really does need to be the prayer of our heart. I would also say, you know just a disclaimer that I want to put out there. You know, building up does not mean like no discipline or no life lessons. You know what I mean. Like if you’re, if you’re on a work, just just putting this out there, if you’re on a work call and your kid wants to come up and talk about his game, you know we’re not saying drop everything and talk about his gaming, but it but it’s.
But you can, in your tone, you can build up or tear down, so you can say get away from me, i’m on a zoom call, what you’re doing is not important to me, that’s tearing down, yeah. Or you could use it as a teachable moment. Hey, buddy, please don’t interrupt me. Right now I’m at work, i have to focus on this, but later let’s schedule a time where you and I can sit down and you tell me exactly what’s on your heart, because then I can be fully attentive. So we’re not saying that they just you know rural everything and just do whatever your kid wants to do. But it’s those teachable moments and using the right tone in those life lessons to teach them discipline and respect, but also build them up in the process.
0:19:40 – Speaker 1
That is so great that you made that point, because I think it is easy to feel like well, what does that mean? Do I just say yes to everything and love, love, love them? So it’s always that balance. you know, and I think that’s really good to point out. One of the things that we have been saying a lot in in this confined space and then also just trying to find that balance, is, um be aware of your surroundings, because I think a lot of times if we’re focused on just ourselves and we walk up, you know our kids walk up, especially kids and they’re like I want to help you make dinner right now, as you’re setting the table with the hot food that you’ve tried to, you know right plan, or you know I want to tell you about the thing and you’re on the work call. They really just are not um aware A lot of times what’s happening around them. So it is a really great teachable moment for us with the tone and for them with learning how to be an adult.
0:20:29 – Speaker 2
If, if I could go back and respond differently, i think that’s how I would have. I thought a lot about how I would have handled it and how I would have I should have handled it Probably would have been like Hey, i so appreciate your help. tomorrow night for dinner, let’s plan together And so we can have the timing all out together and we can be on the same page. you know, but I didn’t because I was tired and short and stressed and all the things Yeah.
And I wasn’t asking myself then, am I building up or tearing down? And so I feel like that’s why the moment just caused me to think about the scripture and think, Oh my gosh, this is a simple question I need to start asking myself, because it makes a big difference.
0:21:07 – Speaker 1
It does make a big difference, and with our spouse too, because it’s real easy to there’s, you know, fire things off with them or be short with them or think that they should know better, And most of the time they don’t. And it’s just like with our kids. it tears them down and there’s no reason for having to make a whole bunch of repairs that we have to come back and fix. if we could just take a moment.
0:21:27 – Speaker 2
You know, matt and I shared about a big fight we had a couple weeks ago and since then, you know, he said I want practical things that I can do to help to make this better. And so I gave him like three or four practical things, like keeping the kitchen counter clean, helping me with bedtime, because a lot of times before this whole thing, he would need to go to bed early because he’s gone 10 to 12 hours a day. Well, now he’s home, so I’m like I need you to help with bed, like I need this to be part of your process now, right, yeah, you don’t have to get up so early, so I need your help at bedtime, right, getting everything calmed down and everything. And so he’s been doing an amazing job like doing these practical things. And in my mind, what I wanted to say to him was Hey, is art thing so much better now that you’re doing what I asked you to do?
0:22:19 – Speaker 1
Like now that you’re doing what I said exactly really it was like I was right Again.
0:22:25 – Speaker 2
It’s that selfishness, like I wanted to respond in a selfish way, Like I was right and you were wrong. Yeah, right, it’s that another fight. It’s that selfish heart And I stopped myself And I thought does this build up or tear down? And so, instead of saying it like that, i said it like this. I said thank you so much for really hearing me and making the changes. How are you doing with the changes? Are you okay with them Or are they too much to ask with all your juggling? Yeah, and it just resulted in this beautiful conversation of I’m so glad I could help you. I’m so glad you gave me the practical things, because I don’t think about those things. I’m thinking about work and all those projects and all that stress. I’m not thinking about the practical things of the day to day. So thank you for communicating that to me. And it just again was another reminder. Had I had I just said initially what came to my selfish mind of I was right and you were wrong that would have ended up in another fight. Yes, oh my gosh.
0:23:25 – Speaker 1
But another show. So that would have been a show. We don’t need another fight show, you know, that’s another point I just want to make about our kids too.
It’s okay to say to your kids what makes you feel loved Or how are you feeling about what’s going on And is there a way I can support you better? We can build up our kids very intentionally, too. We don’t have to wait for something to happen or for a moment that requires us to ask us those questions. We can also say how can I love you better at this time, and that’s something we talk about here at nextTalk all the time. So I just wanted to remind everyone of that too, because I’m reminding myself that it’s always good to check in on ways we can love each other better.
0:24:14 – Speaker 2
Well, and if they don’t know how to communicate, watch for it, watch for it. This weekend we were working out in the yard and you know, my kids didn’t want to help And of course I made them. I’m like, yeah, you’re gonna do it Right And so. But one of them really dug in and started really working hard And I said, oh my gosh, i’m so proud of you, you’re being so helpful right now, and this kid just just you could see the shoulders lift and, like this kid worked even harder, even after I said you can stop, and it was just a take note moment like this kid wants to be helpful, that builds that kid up. And so take notice of those things, of what builds your kid up, and then keep doing that.
0:25:04 – Speaker 1
I love that story, mandy, because it just is such a good reminder that if we’re really watching or if we just take a minute to listen, our kids are telling us exactly how we can build them up. So, just to wrap things up, the Bible says the wise builds up, but the foolish tears down. Before you respond, think to yourself is this going to build up or tear down and builds up your loved ones? bottom line is what we need to be doing right now.
0:25:55 – Speaker 3
Next time.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
