0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:38 – Speaker 2
So we’ve done a series of nextTalk marriage shows and they’re often some of our most popular shows that we offer in our podcast, and I mean people always ask us about the marriage show Our husbands kind of they’re celebrities they like.
0:00:53 – Speaker 3
Don’t let us forget that their shows are the most popular ones. Men.
0:00:58 – Speaker 2
Well, I think probably the reason why is because marriage is important. You know what? Healthy marriages make healthy families, they sure do and they’re hard, the stakes are high. Yeah, it’s one of the most challenging but rewarding jobs. And yes, I say jobs because it’s like a career. You know it’s something you have to build on, takes a lot of work to be good at it and every season is different, kim, every season is different.
0:01:22 – Speaker 3
And sometimes you get promoted and get promoted.
0:01:23 – Speaker 2
Yes, sometimes you want to fire someone. Yes, but it is work. But it is a beautiful gift when things are right, and so we constantly want to be working on our marriage. It’s something my husband and I and I know you and Matt talk about all the time, but sometimes we just need a few quick and straightforward reminders. Honestly, have you ever had that happen? Someone just says something. It’s not like this long talk. Yes, it’s not a sermon you listen to. It’s just like someone will say one little thing and you’re like ah yes.
0:01:50 – Speaker 3
And that’s what we’re doing today. We’ve got 10 items for you that your spouse just needs to know, just reminders. This is not a whole list. We could go on and on and on about what’s important for your spouse, but when we thought about the top 10, this is kind of what came to our mind right away.
0:02:05 – Speaker 2
And when we say, spouse, this, you know, even though we’re the wives presenting this, we’re presenting it for both of us. Yes, you know, this is what both spouses need to know, not just husbands.
0:02:14 – Speaker 3
Okay. So number one love your spouse. And I know that sounds weird, because in the middle of life and the chaos and the socks being thrown on the floor or something that irritates you so much, um, we have to continue showing love to our spouse. And what do I mean by that? You know how I show love to Matt. It’s not some grandiose oh thing, but you know, when he gets home at the end of the day, I greet him. It’s one of those simple little things like I stop, I give him a kiss, I give him a hug, I let him know I’m so glad you’re home. And it’s not, it doesn’t cost money. You know I’m not buying him anything, but it is just that kind of those a reminder. I love you, honey, I love you.
0:02:59 – Speaker 2
And I think knowing your spouse in that way, um, I have heard people say I know my spouse loves me, but they never say it and some people really need to hear the words Not everybody, but knowing your spouse and what they need, to feel that love from you is so key.
0:03:16 – Speaker 3
And it looks different for everybody. I think, we’re going to cover that a little bit later on. Yeah, I think we’re going to do. Respect him or her. This is a big one for me, because let me tell you a story about this. So my husband does not like parties. He is an introvert, right? Well, when he completed his master’s degree, you know, you know where I’m going.
0:03:37 – Speaker 2
I remember that you had no idea I was going to break this up.
0:03:40 – Speaker 3
Did you? You had no idea. So when he completed his master’s degree, in my mind I’m thinking I am going to throw him like the best party with his best food catered. He loves Jerusalem Grill. I’m just going to shout that out. That’s our favorite restaurant and the hummus is amazing. It is, it’s so good. Yeah, they need to like sell it in grocery stores. I’ve told them so many times.
Like I need to get in on that business venture. But okay, sorry, that was not a plug, it realized what it was. So I had all this ideas playing, like the details on who I was going to invite. You know everybody. He kind of found out about it and he was like I do not want you to throw me a party, Like that is not my thing, it will not, I don’t want it Does not bless me, no-transcript. And I wanted to be like you’ve worked so hard, let me do this for you. And I had a dear friend, ms Kim, here say to me Mandy, this is becoming about you, and he’s the one that completed the master. And he is saying no party. And I had to respect that and just say, okay, like I need to hear his voice, like that shows him respect, that I’m hearing his wishes and I’m complying, even though I wanted something different.
0:04:56 – Speaker 2
It’s a hard lesson. It’s really difficult it is, especially when it’s not what we want. Respect is about sacrifice. It’s about how we lay our own desires, our own wants, our own self down for this person that we love. Sometimes that means doing things that are opposite of what we wanna do. Yeah, but it’s so important.
0:05:17 – Speaker 3
And, along with this respect thing, don’t bash your spouse in front of the kids. Don’t bash your spouse in front of anyone. Really. I mean, I know that we’ve all got struggles, but go to them privately. The Bible says one-on-one the same thing. When there’s a conflict, go with that person one-on-one. If your spouse does something that irritates you in front of the kids, privately yes, privately talk about it later, just showing them that respect Anything that you would want. I mean, it’s the golden rule Absolutely Treat your spouse how you would wanna be treated.
0:05:49 – Speaker 2
My husband always tells me I never say something about you to someone else that I wouldn’t say if you weren’t standing there.
0:05:55 – Speaker 1
Yes, and I think that’s.
0:05:56 – Speaker 2
You know, it’s kinda like the what would Jesus do bracelet. It’s like in this situation, if Kim were here, would I be saying this Same thing. It’s just about respecting your spouse. It’s a great rule.
0:06:05 – Speaker 3
That’s it. I love what Charles said. That’s great, okay. Number three you understand and care about their daily struggles. Now, for me this is a big one because it kind of also ties into the respect thing, because if your spouse is dealing with something and so for mine you know my husband has a very stressful job and he’s a very long commute and that is way stressful for him. Like his blood pressure goes up, like it’s a thing, and so if I dismiss that and think that it’s no big deal when he comes home in the evening and he needs to veg for a minute, like he just needs a minute, then I’m gonna treat him less respectful. I mean it all ties in together because I’m not really understanding what his daily struggle is like. So you really try to need to put yourself in their shoes.
0:06:54 – Speaker 2
I know for women we love to be known, and so for me. When my husband comes home, and at any point in the day, even if it’s just a super quick conversation, if he says, like how did the radio show go today? Or how did it go when you had to drop off that letter to your son’s teacher, whatever it is, the fact that he heard me and it was important enough for him to follow up and ask about it makes me feel known and loved. And that understanding and caring about what I’m going through good or bad makes me feel appreciated and known and that’s a really special place to be in a marriage.
Well, that he cares that, he cares about what I’m doing.
0:07:29 – Speaker 3
He cares about your daily activities.
0:07:31 – Speaker 2
Yes, and so Even though I may not have a typical job, what I’m doing is important.
0:07:36 – Speaker 3
Yes, Show that respect and care about their daily struggles. So one is love. Two is respect. Three is understand their daily struggles. Four you know their voice matters. This is a hard one, I mean, and it kind of ties into all of this. It’s all one big thing, their opinion matters. What I mean by that is, early on in our marriage made some mistakes.
I was just going to say the same thing, you know, like signing my husband up for a volunteer coach without asking him. I learned that really fast. Do not do that. No. The other thing is, you know, on Friday, just saying to them, okay, we have this, this and this party, and he’s like, well, I didn’t even say yes to those parties. You know, bring him into the process or bring her. You know, if your husband listening their voice matters, if they don’t want to go to the party, don’t RSVP to the party. It’s a conversation again.
0:08:31 – Speaker 2
It is. It’s a balance of some give and take there, and I think the other side of that I was going to say you know, same here early on in our marriage. And sometimes I mess this up because and I know there’s some mommas out there that can relate to this we are running the show most of the time in the day to day. So in our head we have this idea of how things are going to go, because this is how we do it. And every once in a while I will say, you know, to my husband about something well, what do you think about this?
And I realized early on that I had already made up my decision, my mind, even though I was respecting him with asking him. I had already decided what was going to happen. And I didn’t realize that he knew that until maybe like seven, eight years ago. One day he’s like I don’t know why you’re asking me, you’re going to do what you want to do anyway. And that was like a knife to the heart. I was like what do you mean? He’s like well, you already have a plan and I know you’re asking me out of respect, but I know you’re gonna do what you’re gonna do Well, and if he goes against what you wanna do, you’re gonna get irritated at him Well he would-.
0:09:30 – Speaker 3
Because you’re gonna plow through and say we need to do this.
0:09:33 – Speaker 2
Yes, that’s how it was going. He’d say like oh well, I think you know that this is what we should do about basketball or whatever it was. And I’d say well, no because.
I had already made the plan, you know. And so I’m backpedaling and I’m like, oh my goodness, why would he think that that’s so crazy? And I didn’t even realize this weird struggle pattern that we had going on until he just laid it out there. And it was great because we were able to talk about it. And sometimes I’ll still do it and have, like him, come on now and I’m like, oh, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I just was going and going. You know, the wheels were turning and I thought we’d be on the same page. I’m so sorry. Let’s back it up and let’s figure this out. But it’s true, you know, when you’re trying to ask about what their opinion is and you wanna hear their voice, you need to do it with a genuine spirit, like I’m actually listening to you and I’m actually gonna take that into account with what we’re doing.
0:10:21 – Speaker 3
That is such a good point and I think we all struggle with that. We all do, because we do have the plan in place. When we ask, normally when we ask their opinion on something, we already know what we wanna do, and so it can create a really big fight if, or it makes them feel like why am I even here? We’re just gonna fight for five minutes and then you’re still gonna do what you wanna do. We don’t wanna have that kind of dynamic in our relationship, but it’s hard work.
It is, and it’s hard work for you to realize I was doing that Like kudos to you, because that’s hard to look in the mirror and be like I’m doing this. I need to change it because it’s not working for our marriage.
0:10:57 – Speaker 2
Well, and that’s really the point that we’re trying to make here is these are some of those things that we all struggle with, and it’s a daily choice to be different, and none of it is easy. Let’s just be honest. None of it is easy, but we have those days where we’re like, man, this is good, this is so good, and so that’s why we’re willing to do the hard work.
0:11:15 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and our families will be better for it, because our kids are watching us.
0:11:18 – Speaker 2
It’s a legacy. It’s all about the legacy.
0:11:21 – Speaker 3
Okay, number five don’t expect perfection, woo. So this is a big one for me too, because when I met Matt, he was really my Prince Charming and that sounds silly to say it like that, it sounds so childish, but he was, and so for so long I expected perfection out of him, and when he didn’t measure up I would be a little disappointed, and then I could feel myself being disappointed. And then you change the way you act towards him.
Yeah, because then I kind of lose respect because you’re like oh, you’re not all white, you cracked up to me, so here’s the thing he’s gonna die when he listens to the show. So you’re not a 10 after all.
0:12:01 – Speaker 2
Here’s the thing.
0:12:02 – Speaker 3
None of us are cracked up to what we should be Like. We’re all messed up.
0:12:06 – Speaker 2
Although you are a crack up.
0:12:09 – Speaker 3
We all have flaws and we all have struggles. So just you know, we need to have a lot of grace in our marriage for each other. I think the main thing is to be able to admit those flaws to one another. I love the iron sharpens iron verse and I know it applies to friendship, but we use it so much in our marriage Because when we talk about our flaws with each other and Matt’s really good not to point out my flaws, he’s really great about not pointing those out but when God will reveal something to me and I’ll be like, oh, my word, I’ve been doing that kind of like what you were, you know. When you’re like, oh, I’ve been doing this and I’ll go to him and be like I have been doing this for 20 years and he’ll look at me and he’ll smile and he’ll be like yes, yes, you have.
And I love you anyway and I knew at some point you would recognize it and so that is just a great, because I know that he loves me, flaws and all, and we need to love our spouse, flaws and all, and realize they are gonna struggle and we are there to help them through it. And iron sharpens iron and we have difficult conversations. There are sometimes when I’m like, babe, I love you, but this thing right now that we’re dealing with, we gotta work through this Like this cannot go on like this, you know like if it’s an attitude or whatever, or a fight you’re having.
We gotta work through this, even if we agree to disagree. We gotta get on some sort of page here.
0:13:29 – Speaker 2
And it is hard to purposely walk into uncomfortability. It’s hard. It’s so much easier to be complacent and be like oh, I just don’t wanna deal with this because it’s gonna make everything uncomfortable and we’re just gonna have to have all this weird emotions. And so it is a hard decision, but it’s worth it in the end. It always is.
0:13:50 – Speaker 3
Yes, and you know we were talking about this earlier, my word for the year is discipline, because Discipline, you know, you do the hard stuff and it makes you a better person. And if you do the hard stuff in your marriage, it’s going to make your family so much better.
0:14:05 – Speaker 2
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0:14:21 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about marriage Top 10 things that came right to our mind that your spouse needs to know. Yep, we’ve gone through five. We’ve got five more we need to cover. Okay, what’s the next one, kim?
0:14:33 – Speaker 2
Number six this is one my husband and I will say to us, say to each other verbally, and we learned it a long time ago, I think before we were married, we were in pre-marriage classes and I remember hearing this and it has just stuck and it is such a truth he or she is not the enemy. Oh, that’s good. That’s good Recognizing that we are not battling flesh and blood, we are not battling each other. But it is Satan who knows the power of strong marriages to change the world. He hates a strong marriage. Yes, he will fight to separate you because he knows your marriage creates a ripple effect with your kids, your neighbors, your family, your community. It’s a big deal you are preaching right here.
0:15:16 – Speaker 3
I am preaching. This is a sermon, this point alone.
0:15:20 – Speaker 2
Well, because I know how important it is. In the day that my husband and I said we are going to break the cycle of divorce in our family and we are committing to recognize that Satan will attack us till the day we die, we have had to literally stand in front of each other in difficult times and say you are not the enemy. And it’s funny because it sounds silly, but it needs to be said because sometimes it feels that way.
0:15:45 – Speaker 3
Oh, yes, right.
0:15:46 – Speaker 2
Sometimes you look at your spouse and you’re like I do not even want to be in the same space with him.
0:15:50 – Speaker 3
I mean, when you are having that thought, you need to remind yourself that that is Satan trying to manipulate you into hating your husband and that is for your wife and that is not the goal here. Yes, and I can tell you, the more that your marriage and family are thriving, yes, the more you are going to be attacked in ways that you never expected. Yes, and Matt and I have seen that as we’ve started. nextTalk and the growth. We talk about this a lot. We will text each other sometimes and be, like our family’s, under attack. Pray right now. You know no details. I don’t need to know the details, you know that’s Kim and her family’s business, but praying for each other because it is a real threat.
0:16:28 – Speaker 2
It is, and Satan really is not about to swing the door open. So it’s obvious, like you said, he just needs a crack, yeah. And then it’s those whispers like he doesn’t understand me, he doesn’t appreciate me. It’s those little things that start to creep in and that door opens wider and wider and wider.
0:16:44 – Speaker 3
So take those, Take those captive, those thoughts captive negative thoughts about your spouse.
0:16:49 – Speaker 2
Yes, yes. So recognize that your spouse is not the enemy so important. Your spouse needs to know that he or she can tell you anything and you have to mean that it’s easy to say that like, oh, you can tell me anything or he can tell me anything. But let me tell you what, if you are not praying in the good times, that the Holy Spirit will walk you through those moments when your spouse tells you something you’re not ready to hear, it’s so easy to be reactive and to be hurt and to fall apart and to make it about you or to flee. There’s all these things that happen and really what Christ would have us do is be selfless in that moment and allow that person to lay it on the line in a safe place so that you can work towards redemption and renewal. Because if you do any of those things, those other things again, that door starts to open for separation and wall building.
0:17:38 – Speaker 3
Well in the. You know, just like we talk about building a safe place for your kids, you’re not going to know how to do that if you don’t have a safe place for your spouse. They have to have a safe place to land to be able to tell you their deepest, darkest hurts and anxieties and worries, and that you will understand and listen and hear their pain and what they’re going through, that it is so important.
0:18:03 – Speaker 2
And if you’re thinking I think that my spouse knows that they can tell me that and I would be okay. There’s some things that you could ask yourself, like if tomorrow, my spouse said I love you, but I don’t really like you right now, or I’m really struggling with our life, how would you react to that? These are some of the things you can ask yourself and pray through and say challenging times will come, I don’t like my job, I’m struggling with my weight, whatever it is that will really pull your spouse down. Ask yourself some of those questions that you may have felt, and if you feel like you are not ready to hear that from them, that’s you need to start praying. Look in the mirror, yeah, look in the mirror. Start praying that God would prepare your heart, because difficult times come and they need a safe place.
0:18:47 – Speaker 3
You know, it breaks my heart when we talk with families and one of the spouse will say to us I can’t tell him or her anything because she’ll fall, he or she will fall apart, fall apart. So I just have to, you know, figure out a time when to tell them or not tell them at all. This is a barrier in the relationship. We, we, this is where we have to look in the mirror, because if our spouse can’t tell us something because we’re falling apart, our kids aren’t going to be able to tell us anything because we fall apart, exactly.
0:19:15 – Speaker 2
And you know what, I can spend some experience. I know I was just gonna say I used to be this person.
0:19:21 – Speaker 3
And I will tell you it changed my whole family dynamic when I was able to look in the mirror and say these are the three things I’m doing wrong, that I need to fix about myself, and it’s why my family won’t talk to me.
0:19:32 – Speaker 2
It’s so important that self-evaluation it really is, and remember when you fall apart and you’re thinking of all the ways it’s affecting you, you are making it about yourself, and that’s a pride issue, and so it’s gonna be very difficult to deal with. Satan loves to get us with pride, and so truly, truly, look at yourself in the mirror, think am I able to create this environment with my spouse? And, if not, begin praying today, yeah. So another one that I think it’s super hard for us to hear is that just because it’s hard doesn’t mean it’s bad, and I wanna give you an example about this. The new year was a rocky start for me. I was not feeling well and I just knew something was wrong, and I went into the doctor and I found out I was pre-diabetic, which was like shocking, and it was not even on my radar, because I would never have thought.
Well, that’s because you don’t know that right before bed I like to eat M&Ms, but I guess-.
0:20:25 – Speaker 1
Him, though I know?
0:20:26 – Speaker 2
Oh, true, chocolate before bed. Yes, now I’m talking to the woman who is like my idol, who doesn’t eat after 8 pm.
0:20:34 – Speaker 3
I think that’s amazing. Yeah, okay, okay, but wait, I don’t eat after 8 pm. But this is coming from the person who used to drink Diet Coke for breakfast. I don’t anymore. It has been given up. Yes, it’s still. I am two months clean of Diet Coke.
0:20:46 – Speaker 2
That’s awesome. I’m so proud of you.
0:20:49 – Speaker 3
But yeah, no idol here, like I have my own stuff we do.
0:20:52 – Speaker 2
We all have our own stuff, but it’s one of those things like I didn’t see it coming, it doesn’t run in my family and it just threw me for a loop. And so I dove into educating myself and we changed our whole lifestyle because I was not going down that road and it was so hard. It was so hard Like the initial changes that we had to do felt painful at times because my best friend is food. I’m an emotional eater, you know.
0:21:17 – Speaker 3
I was like, oh, buddy, and you’re a foodie. You love to cook, I love to cook.
0:21:20 – Speaker 2
I love like my perfect vacation would be cooking classes and like trying new cheeses and breads and I would just be around food. I enjoy it very much and so it was a big deal to change my relationship with food truly. I’ve tried in the past but this was like a life or death kind of thing and it was. I mean tears at times tears, but I will say that it changed so much about our whole family. I mean my sleep, my exercise, my weight loss.
0:21:52 – Speaker 3
Our energy level. I mean, I’ve noticed it, the amount of emails that you send me, yeah.
0:21:58 – Speaker 2
My productivity. It’s way more. Yes, yeah, well, it just it changed so much that now I can say the struggle, like transitioning out of that, was painful, but now I’m on the other side of it and it’s become the new norm. I can reap the benefits and the reward. And it’s the same with marriage. Like entering into that uncomfortability on purpose is so hard and it hurts and it’s painful and can be devastating. But if you stay in it and work through it, the other side can be so beautiful. Hard work pays off Hard work. So, even though it’s hard I’ve heard this, especially if you see it in media and stuff you see famous people a lot they’re like well, it was just so hard and love shouldn’t be hard. I’ve heard that so many times. Love is hard, it’s a lie. So I wanted to make sure that we say that stick with it. Love your spouse too much to let your marriage stay where it’s at.
0:22:50 – Speaker 3
That’s awesome. I love that analogy yeah.
0:22:53 – Speaker 2
It’s important. Moving on the next one, my husband and I were talking about this. He came up with this one. We are different, you are weird, and that’s okay. That can mean sometimes all those little things that drive us crazy about our spouse. It’s okay If you acknowledge them and you make peace with them. Don’t let them pile up, be irritated with them. You have to be able to talk about it or they pile up.
0:23:19 – Speaker 3
I think that’s when Satan can use the little things to make them big things Like I can’t live with this person anymore because he’s so messy, or she’s so messy, exactly, and you can get past that.
0:23:30 – Speaker 2
Find compromise and get past it. Talk it through, yeah, and then next on the list. Love languages are real, but please don’t love me with yours. Yes, I think this is so important and such a misnomer. Know what makes your spouse tick Like.
0:23:45 – Speaker 3
you gotta know that.
0:23:46 – Speaker 2
Quick story about that. I thought my husband when we got married. At first I thought he loved this particular brand of clothes because one time I saw him wearing it and I thought he loves clothes and he loves this brand. So, like every time I went out I would buy him these shoes and these clothes all the time of this one brand. And I thought I was just blessing him just on on the blessings, and he’s so not a materialistic guy.
0:24:07 – Speaker 3
Oh my goodness.
0:24:08 – Speaker 2
Like, gifts are not his thing.
0:24:09 – Speaker 3
0:24:10 – Speaker 2
Like counter active.
0:24:11 – Speaker 1
0:24:12 – Speaker 2
You know it makes him wanna retreat, and so learn to love your spouse. If you love gifts, great. Hopefully your spouse knows that and you’re clear about that, and they will bless you in that way. My husband wants me to make him lunch every day and dinner at night and have a home that’s comfortable and safe, and that is what blesses him.
0:24:27 – Speaker 3
So no, they’re love languages and love language. That’s a book. Five love languages. Go get it, go Google it. It’s a great book and they have it for kids too.
0:24:35 – Speaker 2
Matt was the same way.
0:24:36 – Speaker 3
when we first got married, he would buy me things and then I’m like look, I just want you to know the dishwasher and do the laundry Exactly it’s not my thing, I don’t need an expensive bracelet, I just need you to in words of affirmation. Like I love that too. The words and the acts of service are my thing.
0:24:52 – Speaker 2
And let me just throw this in there Love languages do change over time.
0:24:55 – Speaker 3
So just because you took a pre-marriage class 25 years ago, sister, because I feel like acts of service were not a big deal to me until.
0:25:02 – Speaker 2
I had kids, until you had kids, and then you’re like mom. That floor.
0:25:06 – Speaker 3
Get your booty over here In the kitchen.
0:25:10 – Speaker 2
Yes, all right for the wrap up segment today. Marriage is an ongoing, ever-changing commitment to be on the same team.
0:25:17 – Speaker 3
The day we choose not to love, respect and honor our spouse is often when we start to see them as the enemy, and Satan gets a win Avoid that, yeah.
0:25:25 – Speaker 2
If we can acknowledge what makes us different and accept that, it’s OK, marriage is more fulfilling. That was a fun show, yeah.
0:25:32 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 AM on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page