0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim Every Saturday at 10 am on AM630, the word. Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a non-profit organization helping parents’ cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter, find our free video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:40 – Speaker 2
Today, we’re talking about grandparents. Yes, and you know, they have so much wisdom and information to share with us. They’re an integral part of our family and our communities. There are some things, though, that we want to share with them.
0:00:52 – Speaker 3
Yeah, 10 things they need to know, and not an all-inclusive list, no, just 10 things that came right to mind with it for us and you know, I think we all have 10,000 things, like Mandy’s saying, but we were trying to think of the things.
0:01:04 – Speaker 2
if you just had a minute to share a few things that were real important to help us parent this generation, what were the things that you would convey to your parents?
0:01:12 – Speaker 3
And you know, as we were thinking and praying about this show, kim, I immediately went back to fond memories that I have with my grandparents, you know, like making mud pies in their backyard. Or my grandma would let me empty out her whole pantry and I would play grocery store. Oh, that was so sweet. She was always my customer. Yes, and my grandma and grandpa had these recliners and they would lay back and I would play dentist, like I would brush their teeth. And when we were writing this show, I just thought about that and how much that I love that for my kids. You know that they get to make memories with their grandparents because it’s such a special bond.
0:01:47 – Speaker 2
It is. You know, I grew up traveling and so I was never around my grandparents in the same community, and so when I did get to see them, it was like this new relationship that a part of me longed for, and so it really is special and unique, and I have some really cool memories. Even though they were short and segmented, I have these special memories that I think that my grandmother loved butterflies, monarch butterflies and so every time when I see one I think of her. Yeah, and just things like that. She loved whoppers, that candy, and when I was in college, once a week I would drive her to the store and she would buy all the whoppers on the shelf and she would like clear it out. Like people would be staring because we’d have like 30 boxes of whoppers in the basket. But that was our thing, that and she taught me how to knit, which it was just a special time together. I didn’t even know you knew how to knit. I’m really an old lady. I like to drink tea and I like to knit.
0:02:38 – Speaker 1
0:02:40 – Speaker 3
0:02:40 – Speaker 2
I like, yeah, it’s weird, like I’m kind of 80. So which?
0:02:44 – Speaker 3
is not old. Which is not old, which is not old. No, I’m just saying Still young, still young, older, yeah, and I was with my grandparents. I was with them a lot because my mom was a single mom and we lived in the same community, so a lot of times they were my babysitter. Sure, you know, they took me to church. I just have a lot of special memories and so I just want to say, before we get going, you know, cherish that bond with your grandkids and parents. Let that bond happen. I mean, it’s such a cool thing for grandparents to, you know, speak life into their grandkids and create those awesome memories.
0:03:17 – Speaker 2
Absolutely. You know we talk here all the time about how there’s a shift in parenting. Because of the world that we live in today, it is different. You know, there are different things that your grandparents, let alone your parents, never experienced or had to parent, and that’s one of the things that we address here. A lot is we don’t have anyone to go to to say how did you parent Snapchat or how did you deal with nudes when you found it on your kid’s phone. So it’s important for us to, in a gentle, kind and understanding way, patient way, to communicate how to help us parent to our parents and grandparents.
0:03:52 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and you know we can’t get upset with our grandparents for not understanding the whole screen thing because we don’t understand it. I mean, we’re still learning it as well, and so we want to preface it with that. You know, every conversation is calm, it’s not demeaning or anything like that. I would say number one is that right there, you know, we have to recognize the shift that’s happened and we are the first generation of parents parenting elementary kids with cell phones. Even if you don’t give your kid a cell phone in elementary school, lots of kids have them and so you know they’re talking about things, they’re being exposed to things.
My story, you know fourth grade she didn’t have a phone. We can go back to that. And so that number one thing is you know, grandparents, we want you to know because of all the stuff that’s coming at them, you know all the information that’s coming at them really fast, our kids. We have to do a really good job as parents of creating open communication in our family, and what that means is no secrets. And you know I, as I’ve made this shift in my own parenting, I’ve noticed this. We did a whole show about this called secrets, but I’ve noticed these little, little white lies. That just is acceptable to tell parents. You know, and I talked in that show about what happens at Grandma stays at Grandma’s yes absolutely.
I don’t want to offend anybody, but that really bothers me because you know like I’m trying to over here to tell my kids, tell me everything, tell me everything. And then you know, even if it’s a little like, don’t tell them, you ate eight popsicles, you know kind of thing. And now we laugh about it. Like I tell my parents, you know like I want you to spoil them. I know that’s part of the relationship, but I just need honesty. And so now you know my kids will jump in the car and be like I had eight popsicles and four donuts and I’m like, okay, why can’t we eat that every day?
0:05:41 – Speaker 2
Because that’s not okay to eat every day, sometimes food these are special foods at grandparents’ house.
0:05:46 – Speaker 3
Yes, but just that. No secret role in just helping us cultivate that in our families.
0:05:51 – Speaker 2
Number two don’t put us on the spot, and I think that this is something that has probably generation to generation been a challenge, but more so now because the stakes are really high. When you want to take the grandkids to do something, please ask us first before you ask the grandkids.
0:06:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, because if you ask in front of the kids so much harder, you know like, can we go see this movie? And we’ve already maybe read the reviews and there’s some things in there that we’re not sure about, or whatever Just privately ask us first. I think that goes a long way, because once the kids are involved, then it becomes good guy, bad guy thing. I think.
0:06:29 – Speaker 2
It does, makes it really difficult. Yeah, and they’re already kind of emotionally invested in whatever idea you’ve presented, because it’s usually something fun or cool, and so it’s just. It’s hard to bat pedal from that.
0:06:40 – Speaker 3
Number three you know, when the kids are with you, we really want face-to-face quality time. We don’t want them being on their screens all day and, you know, hanging out on the couch. We want them to cultivate that relationship with you and make those awesome memories, things that I remember doing with my grandparents. Like I want my kids to have that, and I know in this world it’s so easy to be like I’m so tired, let’s just sit here and be on a screen, but we really want you to cultivate that relationship.
0:07:08 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and you’re helping us to set the example of appropriate screen usage and that people are more important than screens. You’re helping us with that. So we’re a team approach. So you know if they’re seeing you spend time with them, but 90% of it is on the phone because it’s a new device for you and we hear this all the time. They’re like my mom is worse than I am. Yeah, the kid’s grandma is so bad.
0:07:33 – Speaker 3
And y’all they will say I love my mom, but how do I have this conversation with her?
0:07:37 – Speaker 1
So this is kind of why we did this show.
0:07:38 – Speaker 3
She’s as bad as the kids. So now we can actually say just go listen to the show.
0:07:43 – Speaker 2
Go listen to the show. Top 10 things for grandparents. This is the one where we can say it to you grandma, grandpa, get off the phone.
0:07:51 – Speaker 3
Well, and we’re the model, they are watching us, and you guys, the grandparents, as the model here, and so when we’re on the phone, all the time they’re going to be on the phone or the device, whatever, whatever it is, and you know I just want to put this in there.
0:08:04 – Speaker 2
that’s been a hard one, but one we’ve gotten used to in our family is the taking pictures. Once grandma and grandpa learn how to take pictures with their phone, a lot of times they want to take pictures of everything, and please respect the family rule. For that, like for us, you have to ask first is it okay if I take your picture or do a video? And if they say no, no means no, even if you’re grandma and grandpa.
0:08:22 – Speaker 3
Well, and tying that into that posting on social media. You know I have a rule that I don’t like the kid’s school name plastered all over social media anywhere. So you know when they come to school events I’ll say, okay, move to that wall because I don’t want it in the background or whatever just to try and maintain some privacy, absolutely there, and just talk those over.
Number four it is not okay in our house or yours for kids to have unlimited access to TVs, screens et cetera, and so talk about guidelines at your house, at the grandparents’ house and at their house where they live. You know the kids. For instance, we have no phones in bedrooms or bathrooms, so I expect like that when they go over to grandparents house. Like that’s a rule that we like. I don’t want my child going into a bedroom, closing the door and being in the bedroom for eight hours on a screen.
0:09:15 – Speaker 2
Yes, it’s absolutely imperative that you try to convey this as soon as possible, because a lot of times what happens is we’re reactive, yes, you know, and you come to pick up the kids and they’re doing something and you’re like, why are they doing this?
And then it becomes this us against them argument. Yeah, if you are hearing this now, it’s a great time to say, hey, I just want to talk to you about some stuff that’s real important to us with our kids right now. And one of the things is, you know, if we watch a movie together, it’s like, you know, two hours. Then we try to say let’s turn off the TV and let’s go get some sunshine, let’s go outside and play, yeah, or let’s play a game or have some talk time or whatever it is, just so we, you know, start to create that balance of screen time and real lifetime. And so if that’s a family rule for you, whatever it may be, versus what your grandparents might do or your parents, you just need to tell them. A lot of times, like I know with our family, they were like, oh, I just didn’t know.
0:10:09 – Speaker 1
0:10:10 – Speaker 2
You know, it’s not that they’re the enemy here. No, they really just don’t know.
0:10:13 – Speaker 3
Well, and that’s the same thing with like movie ratings and stuff. You know there’s certain movies we don’t watch. One of them is, you know, not a lot of violence, like I don’t like a lot of shooting people. But you know, some grandparents like the old Western style movies yeah, that’s a good point and they just don’t even think about it. It’s just they don’t think about okay, what are we trying to protect them from? So normally a conversation solves it.
0:10:35 – Speaker 2
One, ratings have changed, A calm, yes, and two, with those kind of shows and like the violence and all of that kind of stuff, I have a few times put on a movie that I grew up watching.
0:10:48 – Speaker 3
Yes, Thinking like oh, we’ve all done this. Yes, and we totally forget how bad it is you. Just it’s shocking. It’s like four F-bombs and you’re like. I watched this as a 10 year old boy, exactly.
0:11:01 – Speaker 2
I have done that so many times Well, probably like three or four times where I’ve been like, oh kids, this is the best. There was one in particular Christmas movie. I was like, oh it’s so funny and this is like a classic and everybody’s gonna love it.
0:11:11 – Speaker 3
It wasn’t Christmas, oh my gosh, it was, and I didn’t remember any of that.
0:11:16 – Speaker 2
We’ve made that mistake before yes, and then, as it’s starting, you know, my husband and I were sitting down and catching her like whoa, okay, okay, let’s maybe another option.
0:11:23 – Speaker 3
Yes, let’s turn it off. It’s a big game, it’s a great movie, but as you watch it as a parent with little kids, you’re like whoa, there’s a lot of stuff in there, Well that’s kind of your grandparents with everything with this technology.
0:11:33 – Speaker 2
They’re like whoopsie, I didn’t realize, so we just wanna walk them through it, yeah, okay.
0:11:39 – Speaker 3
one easy thing you can do, grandparents, is set restrictions on all your devices. So if you have phones, ipads, whatever, it’s really simple. Go to settings and go to restrictions. You will enter a four digit passcode. Do not give that passcode to the kids. No, no matter what, even if they tell you it’s okay. Yes, and you can turn music from explicit to clean. You can turn movies and TV shows to PG only, or whatever rating you guys discuss. You can turn books, siri and websites to restricted.
It is not restricted. Everything defaults to access to everything, and the apps you can set to a specific age, like nine plus 12 plus 17 plus whatever you wanna do there. I wanna caution you, though. Don’t set the restrictions and then think, okay, they’re never gonna see anything bad online, because the restrictions are really for the Google Safari. You know, like, if you’re searching online, if you’re doing something within an app so, say, the kid is on Instagram or YouTube Kids, it’s an app, those restrictions don’t catch it. So it will catch some things, but not everything. So it’s not. You know, it’s not. It’s not all fail safe. It’s not.
0:12:46 – Speaker 2
Yeah, it’s not 100% safe, but it does help some it does and it’s an important step to do. If you’re just not tuning in, this is nextTalk Radio at 10 am on AM 630,. The word nextTalk Radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe online is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nexttalkorg and click on give.
0:13:10 – Speaker 3
Okay, so we did five before the break, right? And so, first generation of parents, don’t keep secrets, don’t put us on the spot, ask privately, first, when kids are with you, face to face, quality time over screens. Four was, you know, have the same family roles about picture taking, posting guidelines, that kind of thing. And then five was set your restrictions.
0:13:35 – Speaker 2
So now we’ve got five more we’re gonna cover. Okay, here’s one that comes up a lot in conversations when we talk to families. If your kids ask you questions or your grandkids ask you questions about big topics that make you uncomfortable, okay, so we’re honest with our kids, but the first thing you may wanna do is say that’s a really good question. Let me check in with mom and dad, because I wanna make sure to give you a good answer, because it may not be the right setting or time to share some big answers and it may. If you’re uncomfortable, that’s also not the right time. You wanna check with mom and dad first and then you can talk about it and then make sure you follow up with an answer, or mom and dad follow up with an answer. You don’t wanna leave them hanging or brush it under the rug.
0:14:18 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I think that’s a great point, and I would also add always refer back to mom and dad. Well, I know mom and dad are gonna wanna have a conversation with you about this, because they wanna talk to you about anything, and so you can push them into that conversation Absolutely please don’t brush it under the rug and say you’re too young to hear that. Or you don’t wanna know that.
0:14:39 – Speaker 2
Yeah, avoid that language.
0:14:40 – Speaker 3
That’s. We don’t want to tell them not to ask. We want to encourage their questions because that’s part of building the open communication.
0:14:48 – Speaker 2
And it’s a good sign that they’re asking you questions. That means they feel comfortable talking to you. We just want to make sure that we bring it back to mom and dad and get them an answer that’s appropriate for their age at that time.
0:14:57 – Speaker 3
Yes, and it’s probably something mom and dad have already been praying about, because the kid has probably already dropped a little couple hints. Yeah that they’re struggling with that particular thing, so mom and dad may have already formulated a response in their head.
0:15:11 – Speaker 2
Yes, absolutely OK. So that’s number six. Number seven help us create a team environment versus an us versus them environment. So parenting, especially in this tech savvy generation, is so hard when we’re not on the same page, and that’s why we’re doing this show. So here’s one an example of what I mean by that. Well, mommy said you can’t do that, so I guess you better turn it off. That creates an us versus them.
0:15:35 – Speaker 3
It makes the mom look bad it does. Let’s just say it. Let’s just be honest it’s us.
0:15:39 – Speaker 2
It’s like grandma or grandpa would let you do this, but mommy said no.
0:15:44 – Speaker 3
Mommy said you can’t be on your screen for eight hours. I’m so sorry.
0:15:48 – Speaker 2
Yes, that just creates this boundary and this situation where we’re not a team, a family team, and that’s what we need to be to parent these kids. We need you on our side. So a better example of that might be our family believes people are more important than screens. So let’s put that away for a while. Boom, we’re all on the same page. It’s a positive answer. You haven’t thrown mommy under the bus and we’re getting the same result.
0:16:14 – Speaker 3
Yeah, because when mommy gets thrown under the bus, we tend to go into that crazy mode. We get really mad and defensive and that creates hostility, and so I think if we work together there, that would be great. Stay calm and realize we’re communicating well to do this for the kids, to protect the kids, to keep them safe online. This is why we do all everything that we do here at nextTalk is to keep our kids safe.
0:16:40 – Speaker 2
Exactly, and we need to do it together, together, all right next on the list be a cheerleader, not just for your grandkids, but for their generation. This is especially important if you have older grandkids. They hear endless negative comments and continually receive looks that foster the lie that they are not great kids and that they’re not worthy of support and praise just because they’re teenagers. We need to support them. Teenager is not a dirty word.
0:17:07 – Speaker 3
It’s not this kind of. I got a lot of talking points here. You know you do, I know you do, girl, we’re not going to have time. You know the more I work with teenagers and spend time with teenagers. We go out in the public a lot together and recently I had a group of teens with me great group of kids, right, I mean, we’re very well-spoken and respectable, everything, no problems at all had a group and we were doing a little scavenger hunt throughout the city kind of thing, and the negativity that I saw towards them. It hurt me, yeah, it hurt me. It’s shocking. I heard one woman say teens are taking over the world. Tell them to get out of here or I’m leaving.
0:17:52 – Speaker 2
And I literally this is in a story right.
0:17:54 – Speaker 3
OK. So my craziness started coming out and I wanted to you were turning red.
And y’all. I had my default to love nextTalk shirt on and I literally looked down and I was like I have to default to love. Yeah, like I really want to tell her off right now. Yeah, because they weren’t doing anything, they were having fun, they were being respectful, and so there really is a stereotype against teens. People like and I know that there are some who are disrespectful and rude and we got our problems. I get that, every generation has that, but we can’t lump them all together. There are some good teenagers out there that are doing amazing things for Jesus, absolutely, and we need to lift them up and encourage them and, like you said I loved how you phrased it Be a cheerleader, not just for your grandkids, but for the generation. Yeah.
0:18:42 – Speaker 2
For their people, for being encouraging, yes, yes, and they need to hear that from more than just mom and dad.
They need to hear that people are seeing the good in them and helping them to parent through this crazy time in our history. So we can all be cheerleaders for them and help them. I think that’s so important. All right, next on the list, be interested in our kids, your grandkids, world on and off the screen. Kids today want to connect with you at their soccer game face to face what we talked about a little bit earlier but they also want to show you how they ace level 20 on their favorite game that’s important to them.
0:19:20 – Speaker 3
And it’s like foreign language to me. It hit me too, and my son will say I’m a level green on a dada.
0:19:25 – Speaker 2
I’m like say what? I don’t even know what that means, I don’t, but I am like that is amazing.
0:19:30 – Speaker 3
Tell me about it.
0:19:31 – Speaker 2
Yeah, tell me about it. How does it work? Can I have a turn? Because they love to teach you. That’s the other part of this one. This point number nine, is they just love to teach you things. It makes them feel like you’re truly interested in their whole world, not just the part that’s understandable and acceptable to you. So it’s a big deal. Be interested in them, all parts of them, even the ones that you don’t understand.
0:19:54 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and the last one always ask before we act. It’s easy to treat kids a certain way because of fear or uncertainty. If you are feeling worried about a scary story you’ve heard from a friend about pornography, screen addiction or anything else about today’s youth, or if you’re unsure to have a situation, just let’s talk about it.
0:20:15 – Speaker 2
Yes, you know. If we’re bringing the kids over and you’re already in this state of anxiety because you just heard at your Bible study about all kids doing this new thing on screens the way you deal with our kids is going to be panicked, panic mode.
0:20:31 – Speaker 3
And I can tell you, talking to kids, they pick up on that.
0:20:34 – Speaker 2
Absolutely, they’re so intuitive.
0:20:36 – Speaker 3
When we’re talking to them about sex. If we’re awkward, it’s awkward for them.
0:20:39 – Speaker 2
0:20:40 – Speaker 3
Like we have to be calm and relaxed and it’s okay.
0:20:44 – Speaker 2
And you know I have a great real life example my grandmas in our life two of them, both at different times, have pulled me aside when they were coming over to be with the kids and said I read this article today and it was so crazy and I could tell they were already like amped up, you know and I’m about to leave with the kids.
They were stressed out, yes, and they’ll be like we’re going to turn off the TVs. They will not have any access to this. And I say, hey, guess what? You know this, we’ve talked about these things, and here’s where that statistic really comes from and this is what it means for our family and here’s how you can address it. If you’re worried, and then you know you can see the calm coming and they ask a lot of questions and then before we leave, it’s like they’re ready again to be grandma and grandpa and not like stress ball. And so just ask us if you’re freaking out about something or you’ve heard something. You’ve been watching the news we want to hear so that we can help you walk through that. Yes.
0:21:38 – Speaker 3
And the other thing is, I just was thinking we need to make sure well, we need to make sure that this is an ongoing conversation.
0:21:46 – Speaker 2
Yes, because we’re giving you 10 today, and those are. These are all great tips. We could go on and on and on. Yeah, but we were trying to think of the 10 most important things that we could come up off the top of our head that we’ve wanted to share with our parents and have shared, and it has really helped our relationship and creating that open communication with our kids and as a family, we’re one team parenting this cyber generation.
0:22:10 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and you know what I thought of something else as we were talking, kim, and it kind of goes up to an earlier point that we were talking about the posting guidelines, that kind of stuff. You know our role is no bedrooms, bathrooms. Check with your kids about the posting guidelines for bathing suits, for bathtubs. Yes, even if they’re little, yeah, you know, even if they’re babies, the parents may be like I don’t want a bathroom picture of them naked on the thing.
Absolutely, and the kids that are often are like oh, they’re so cute, look at the baby. That is so true, but just respect that guideline, and I think this is again something new that we’ve never had to think about before. It’s all new, but in today’s world everything is recorded, posted, you know, captured, snapped, whatever, and so we’re all learning that. But you know we have to have this even balance Absolutely.
0:22:59 – Speaker 2
So for today, our wrap up segment, it takes a village to keep our kids safe. Today, it’s not just mom and dad, it’s not just the counselor on the campus, it’s you too, grandma and grandpa. We need you to be a part of this. It’s a community thing so that we can help them be safe. They’ve got a lot of information coming at them fast, every day, every moment. Please help us in this cyber parenting world.
0:23:25 – Speaker 3
Support us in our efforts to create an open dialogue with our children. Never encourage for them to keep any secrets, even the little ones, from us. So always encourage, say, oh, tell mom and dad, they won’t get upset, they’ll understand. We were, you know, having fun and that’s why you had 20 popsicle. Whatever you need to say, but always encourage that open dialogue.
0:23:47 – Speaker 2
Yeah, you know, I just thought of something to go with that. I’ve had to say to my kids a bunch of times if you tell the truth you won’t get in trouble. It’s when you start lying about what has happened at grandma’s house, that’s when there’s repercussions to that, it’s okay, you can laugh about the 20 popsicles and then you know it’s okay.
0:24:04 – Speaker 3
Well, and I would say to moms and dads, when they do say I had 20 popsicles or whatever, you can’t go crazy, you can’t.
0:24:10 – Speaker 1
You gotta follow up on that.
0:24:11 – Speaker 3
It’s just like anything else. You can’t get upset. They’re being honest with you and they’re cultivating that out and just think you want your kids to have these memories with your parents. Yes, and spoiling your kids that’s part of being a grandma or grandpa. We don’t want to take that away from them, we just want them to recognize. Hey, we’re trying to build open communication here and we want no secrets. Yeah, keep it honest. And check out that secret show. It was a really good one.
0:24:34 – Speaker 2
It was a good show and the last one on our wrap up segment. We want you to make lifelong memories with your kids, so enjoy the quality time. Make each moment count Again. We hear all the time moms and dads telling us my mom, my kids’ grandparents are worse than we are. They’re learning these new devices and they have a lot more time on their hands and they’re just getting really caught up in it. And so when the grandkids do get with them, they’re on the device the whole time. Britannia. Grandma and grandpa, please put it down and spend that face to face time.
0:25:04 – Speaker 3
Your wisdom and memories are priceless, and my kids love hearing stories that their grandparents tell them.
0:25:11 – Speaker 2
They love it. Yes, that’s what my kids call olden days.
0:25:14 – Speaker 3
They love that and so treasure that. You have a voice in this kids’ life. Speak into it. Yeah, put away the screens and cherish that face to face time with your grandkids.
0:25:26 – Speaker 2
Thanks so much for joining us, grandparents especially. Yes, thank you.
0:25:31 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim every Saturday at 10 am on AM 630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nexttalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page