0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Current guidance is advised.
0:00:37 – Speaker 2
Today’s show is to explain why a nextTalk is even needed. What are?
0:00:41 – Speaker 3
we doing here? Yeah, we’re kind of going back to the basics, right? Remind people why we exist and what we’re all about.
0:00:47 – Speaker 2
You have to do that in most things, any kind of business. Sometimes you just have to take a step back and remind yourself and others your why, your mission, your purpose. It reminds you of why you’re working so hard Absolutely and why people should invest in what we’re doing.
0:01:01 – Speaker 3
It’s important, yeah, and why we don’t want to quit when we’re exhausting. I don’t know what you mean. When does that ever happen? We’re looking at each other like what.
0:01:07 – Speaker 2
Like early in the morning.
0:01:09 – Speaker 3
Both of us have small eyes.
0:01:11 – Speaker 2
We barely slept, but it’s also worth it. It really is, especially when we start to backtrack and think of all the things that God has done through this organization.
0:01:21 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I mean, what started as a little church group of moms 20 people has now turned into this nonprofit, with this amazing leadership team that God has put together. I think what makes us so unique here at nextTalk is we have homeschool, private school and public school parents represented on our actual team. Our officer board and our kids range in ages from three to 22. So we’re speaking and writing and learning in real time. This is actually happening at our kitchen counters every night when they’re playing online playing games.
0:01:53 – Speaker 2
I think that’s so special because in so many different organizations people are talking about how they did it back then or what they plan to do in the future, but literally every story we share is like what happened last night or the other day.
0:02:06 – Speaker 3
And I think that’s why we’ve grown so much, because we’ve really identified why it’s different today and a lot of things have changed. There has been a shift, like we’re in a new landscape. We can’t call our parents and say, hey, how did you parent Snapchat? Like we cannot do that. And so being able to identify that shift which I think we do well and then offer the solution, like what is the answer to this problem, is really nextTalks niche, and it’s everything, like what we do is centered around that, that problem and the solution, and so we want to kind of lay that out for you on today’s show.
0:02:41 – Speaker 2
Let’s talk a little bit about what that shift looks like and give you some examples. Pornography it’s obviously not new, like you’re not thinking. Pornography what is that? We all know about it, whether you’ve seen it or not. It’s been readily available in some form forever. But nowadays, the form that it’s available in is so immediate, so available to anyone and so easy to access. It has changed everything for us.
0:03:04 – Speaker 3
I mean, I remember going as a college student into a video store in the back room.
0:03:11 – Speaker 2
I’m using those air quotes right now, behind the curtain? Yes.
0:03:18 – Speaker 3
And I remember looking at some of these titles and the pictures on the, I was like. My eyes were like so big. I was a college kid. You had to use an ID to get in there. I had to have an ID and then it was like people were around. So you were like watch, you know you were being watched.
0:03:33 – Speaker 2
There was the video store clerk, whatever you had to get the guts just to get out of the car to drive out of the parking lot. It was a dare for me to even go in there.
0:03:40 – Speaker 3
Yes, Like my college roommates were like we dare you. You got to go do this, yes.
0:03:44 – Speaker 2
That kind of thing. Right, it was totally different. I remember the first time I saw anything was a friend of mine in high school. His stepdad had this collection in the closet.
0:03:54 – Speaker 3
Like magazines or videos. Yes, okay, magazines.
0:03:58 – Speaker 2
Well, there were videos too, but we didn’t know that first, and so he was like I have to show you something, and so I went over. It was a stash Like a group of us. You know our little gang. We weren’t like gang members. You know what I mean.
0:04:07 – Speaker 1
Like we went over You’re squad.
0:04:08 – Speaker 3
We’re my squad. You’re squad.
0:04:10 – Speaker 2
Gang sounds dangerous.
0:04:11 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that’s a new term to you. We obviously were not dangerous.
0:04:16 – Speaker 2
The drama squad the drama squad and, like we, slowly, he slowly opened up the closet and we were like what’s going to be in there? And it was probably like 200 of these magazines stacked up.
And we were like terrified that someone was going to walk in the door at any minute. And we just looked at the cover and we’re like, oh my gosh, and it was a big deal. Yeah, we had to go through a lot to be able to see anything and I’m thankful for that. Or the exposure availability today is just not anything like that.
0:04:45 – Speaker 3
I mean we’ve received calls where parents have found their kids watching pornography right next to them on the family sofa and the devices are so small that they can be hidden and they can have earbuds in, so you don’t even know what they’re listening to, and like that’s a situation. I mean they have the world at their fingertips. It is a click of a button and they’re seeing more hardcore pornography than we ever saw, as even college kids and these, the kids I’m talking about, are six, seven, eight and nine that are seeing it that we’re getting calls about Well, and they may not even be searching for it.
0:05:17 – Speaker 2
Yes, there’s going to be kids who are looking and who are sitting and viewing. They may be doing a homework assignment, looking for some information, and they come across it by accident and they’re exposed.
0:05:26 – Speaker 3
Yeah, well, and the type of pornography has changed too. So not only the access, but, you know, hardcore pornography. I guess one debate that’s always been against it is it always objectifies women. You know that is that has been forefront since we were kids, absolutely. But now the kind of hardcore pornography we’re talking about, you know it’s like anal sex is huge. We, you know, we got to talk about gay porn and that’s an issue just because, like, if our kids are six years old and that’s their first exposure to anything sexual, obviously that’s going to create a lot of confusion. And so there’s different types. You know, not only the access, but different types of pornography nowadays, and so it’s just changed and we need to recognize the shift as parents, absolutely.
0:06:15 – Speaker 2
Another issue, of course, that we deal with quite a lot is social media. We don’t even know the effect yet, like there’s no long-term study of what the effect of social media exposure and the ability to be that be in that world constantly, what that’s going to do to our kids when they become adults.
0:06:33 – Speaker 3
Well, I have a 14-year-old girl and I am walking her through social media. She’s been on it a couple years now and we have great conversation about it. But I can tell you, without those conversations I don’t know what the effects would be horrific. Like it is, it does a lot to me and my like, how I compare myself to others and how I’m jealous and how I feel inadequate because all these people are doing amazing things and I’m seeing all day long and it’s constantly in my face and how I just can’t live up to that. You know, the photo filters and the beauty and just all of it.
0:07:06 – Speaker 2
Why are there some people that go on every amazing vacation in the world? Why?
0:07:11 – Speaker 3
I mean like four vacations. I just bought my third home. Like we struggle with this and you know, if we are trying to process it as parents, imagine a 12-year-old brain trying to wrap their heads around that. And you all know that I am not anti-social media Like I love social media but I think it takes a lot to have those conversations and really check yourself and what you’re allowing in and how you’re letting it affect you.
0:07:38 – Speaker 2
And you know it’s just like the old conversations about cigarettes and drinking and those things. You know, if you’re on social media and you’re not setting the example, how can you expect that from your kids? And so it’s not just the parenting it differently, but you know moderation for yourself. So it’s a whole issue around social media and exposure and time and also bullying. Another one.
0:07:58 – Speaker 3
Yeah, that’s not new.
0:07:59 – Speaker 2
Not new. That was around when I was kids.
0:08:00 – Speaker 3
I mean, social media is kind of new. That’s not even a shift, it’s new. But bullying it was like pornography, it was around when we were little. The difference is, you know, when we were little, if you got bullied or embarrassed or stuffed in your locker or whatever you’re envisioning when you hear the word bully, only a couple friends may have seen that happen and, yeah, it would spread by word of mouth at school, but the effects were not as drastic.
You know now, if you’re being bullied, all the phones come out. They record the incident. So if you do something embarrassing, if you get read, if you whatever, it is recording you in real time and a lot of times you know before your kid even walks through the door home from school, that recording has been shared with the entire school population through Snapchat, through social media, whatever. And so, again, we must recognize the shift. You know, I remember when I was in high school and something humiliating would happen and I would be just be devastated. It would feel like my whole world had collapsed and I remember my mom saying oh, it’s, nobody will remember tomorrow. Well, now you can’t really say that because there’s no recording that’s gonna be out there for the rest of your life. And if it was.
0:09:09 – Speaker 2
I mean, it’s a thing If it’s deemed embarrassing or funny enough, it can even go viral. So it can just explode even beyond your own school or circle and that’s just hard for a child to fathom, ever getting past that.
0:09:23 – Speaker 3
Absolutely To overwhelming. It’s just we need to recognize that shift. You know, and we’re talking about all this Think about all the stress that puts on our kids Always being recorded, snapped posted somewhere. I mean they can’t do anything without fear of being recorded. I mean they think about this. I mean I have a high schooler. They think about this when they go to the bathroom, like they think about people recording them. It is a thing, and so imagine all the stress that puts on our kids. And then you add in AP classes, standardized tests Again, I didn’t have college classes in high school, we didn’t have that and so you add in all that stress.
We’re seeing some unhealthy ways to cope with stress. One of those ways that we’re seeing an explosion of is self-harming, and the most popular is cutting. People do also pull their hair out or burn themselves, but cutting is really what we’re seeing the most of, and it’s a way to deal with stress. They have something internally that they can’t deal with, and so giving themselves physical pain helps relieve that internal pressure is kind of how they view it, and we did a whole show on this where we brought in a counselor. So if you wanna get more information about this specific topic. Check out that show. It’s called Cutting, but again a shift. I mean I knew no one in my high school that was self-harming, or middle school.
0:10:47 – Speaker 2
I didn’t either. I’m sure what’s happening, but not to the level that it is. Now and again some of that is popular and repeated because they see it on social media, and so here you have that whole shift. Again coming back to the social media, they’re seeing it recorded and snap, People are sharing that. They’re cutting. I mean it just really is a whole different world.
0:11:08 – Speaker 3
Yeah, and one thing I learned about cutting is from the counselor when we did the show. It doesn’t necessarily mean your kid is suicidal. It means there’s an underlying problem that you need to address. They do not know how to handle the stress. So that problem has to be solved or it could escalate into suicide. And so we don’t wanna minimize that. Oh, they’re not suicidal, it’s fine. It could definitely escalate to suicide. I mean we’ve gotta get in there and fix that underlying problem. But let’s talk about suicide for a minute. Second leading cause of death in ages 10 to 24.
0:11:42 – Speaker 2
I heard to believe.
0:11:44 – Speaker 3
Second leading cause of death. If you wanna know where we got that stat, it’s in my book, but that is a huge statistic. And kids who are cyber bullied are two times more likely to commit suicide. Again, that stat is in my book. So I mean this is a shift. I mean our parents didn’t have these numbers and these stats that we’re dealing with today.
0:12:04 – Speaker 2
It’s a totally different world parenting in this age, and that’s why we do what we do here at nextTalk. Stranger danger? Oh yeah, For me. I remember the stories. I know what you’re gonna say because we talked about this before.
0:12:16 – Speaker 1
Yes.
0:12:17 – Speaker 2
I remember my mom giving me the stern talk Never get into the white van with no windows. And so to this day, when I see white vans with no windows, I’m like ah, stranger danger, don’t go. You know I can’t talk to painters, but it’s just one of those things that sticks in your head and that’s what I associated with stranger danger. That is not what stranger danger means in this day and age.
0:12:39 – Speaker 3
No, no, I mean, think about it, guys Again. Your kid can be sitting across from you at the kitchen island. They could be on Roblox, which this is a true story of what happened with me and my kids. They were playing and a sex trafficking pimp could be corresponding with them saying grooming them. Now I don’t know that it was a sex trafficking pimp, but this is what happened in my home. Okay, the personal story was they were playing Roblox. I was right across the kitchen counter and loading the dishwasher and somebody some other player online started asking them where they went to school, what their address was, how old they were, and we had had many conversations that we do not give out any of that information and if anybody asked you on a game that you’re playing on that information, that’s our red flag alert for you well and that’s key that you had those conversations.
0:13:30 – Speaker 2
So many parents think, well, my kids would know not to give that information out. Wow, no, no, you cannot assume that your kids know these things. Their world and the way that they operate in the online world is completely different than what you think.
0:13:41 – Speaker 3
You have to talk to them about these and you can’t get mad at them for giving out the information. That’s their culture. It is. Everything is on. My daughter and I do live events at elementary schools and it is amazing to me how many little kids line up to tell her I’ve given out information I didn’t know and I’m over here with the parents. Don’t yell at them.
Don’t yell at them you know, it’s not obvious to them, like you think it is not, and we have a whole show on that to cyber strangers. Go check out that show. We also have online manipulation.
That is a great show on how sex traffickers kind of manipulate your kids and groom them online and some red flags that you need to be alerted to, but again it goes way past the white van or the person with candy trying to get you in their car. This is again can happen in your home, right next to you. They could be contacted by a sex trafficking pimp trying to befriend them and their story after story of you know the good kid that was groomed online and they disappear.
0:14:38 – Speaker 2
The point is we have to have these conversations with our kids. You know there’s so much information coming up them about all of this stuff that we’re talking about, and then you add in sexuality and transgender big issues in this day and age. I mean, you got to be talking to them.
0:14:51 – Speaker 3
Here’s the thing if they struggle with this or figuring it out, or whatever, or they have questions about it, they, if they go to their school counselor, there’s only so much that a teacher can pour into them because it crosses political and religious lines, right? So, parents, if we’re not talking to them, they’re getting their information online and I guarantee you, if they are googling these things online, they’re gonna be. They’re gonna automatically see pornography, yep, and they’re gonna see some things that you don’t want them to see. So that is why it’s so important that that you know we deal with it yeah, parents, well, we have to have those conversations.
0:15:26 – Speaker 2
I mean, you know, you remember right I do going back to that time in middle school, in high school, how impressionable I was. Yeah, and that’s why kids are so swayed by their peers during that time. So, again, if you’re not talking to them, they’re listening to their peers and they’re going online.
0:15:42 – Speaker 3
Those are two not great sources when you have the opportunity to be their source of information if you’re just now tuning in, this is nextTalk radio at 2 pm on am 6 30. The word nextTalk radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids safe is accomplished through your donations to support our organization. Go to nextTalk org and click on give. It’s a lot of information we’re throwing at it. So we’re kind of setting this problem up. Why is there a shift? Why you know what? What’s the big deal? Yeah, about parenting today.
Well, it’s completely changed, and a lot of these resources that I grew up loving, that their wisdom is great, their wisdom is still great, but they’re not giving me the real time. What do I do when my kid is contacted online by this person? Yeah, and we saw that void and so that’s kind of where nextTalk came in and was like, okay, this is where we need to help parents, because we we need that, we need that for our own self. So, okay, we’re. So we’re setting up this problem. We talked about pornography and social media and bullying and suicide and stranger danger and sexuality, transgender, of which we have individual shows on all of those things, yes, that you can go check out. Don’t get overwhelmed. And the other thing is. You know, apps and games change daily. Yes, I mean, it’s a full-time job. If you have to be in their online world and know everything they’re doing, how do you keep up with all that?
0:17:04 – Speaker 2
it’s a question we get asked all the time where do I start? What do I do?
0:17:07 – Speaker 3
I don’t know how to parent this well and we always have talked about drug and alcohol addiction. That’s nothing new. Right now we have a new addiction screen addiction, and this is a real thing. Again, we did a show on this. This is a real thing and I struggle with this me too, like I’m constantly connected to everything going on at work, in my friends, and it’s hard to compartmentalize and give my kids and my husband the attention they need because I’m so connected all the time.
0:17:32 – Speaker 2
So imagine your kid. Who hasn’t you know their brain. Is it fully developed that prefrontal cortex? They’re struggling big time with how to set boundaries and how to have a healthy life with screens as part of it yeah, and I know you know I can go so much more into all the scary stuff.
0:17:50 – Speaker 3
You know we could go into all that. But our, our goal at nextTalk is not really to to alarm you. We don’t want it, we don’t like the whole. Let’s scare you into something. No, we don’t work that way. I need it anymore. Yeah, we’re already kind of scared right of everything the digital world is throwing at us. But but here’s what we understand we. We bring all these things up because we have to understand their culture effectively if we’re going to parent it. And that is identifying the shift and understanding the problem. So you know we’ve set this up for you and it’s as limited a time as we can, but we kind of need to move on and we have so many more resources that does a better job and goes into more detail here. But you kind of get the idea. There’s been a shift, there’s a problem, what is the solution?
0:18:35 – Speaker 2
Well, it’s not to bubble wrap them, yeah, which is usually our go-to. Yeah, it’s scary when you start thinking about all of these things in relation to your kid and you want to set all the filters and use all the programs that shut everything out. You want to bubble wrap them, keep them safe, take them out of school, hide them in the closet, whatever it is. That’s our first go-to because we don’t know what to do. Yeah, but we have found a solution. That should be your first line of defense.
0:18:58 – Speaker 3
Well, or two, you don’t want to give them a phone, and that’s what I was going to do. Yes, that’s what I was going to do, but then my kid was exposed to pornography in fourth grade, and so I realized that’s not an option for me. So the bubble wrapping, the protecting it didn’t work. And so what is that? 100% solution? And that is open communication, and I know it sounds so simple.
0:19:22 – Speaker 2
It sounds crazy.
0:19:23 – Speaker 3
I’m talking to my kids. I thought I was talking to my kids.
0:19:25 – Speaker 2
What Is that it? I know, yeah, you’re thinking the same thing that we did. It’s like there’s got to be more to it than that. It’s not as simple as it sounds.
0:19:35 – Speaker 3
And it comes straight out of Deuteronomy 6, 6, and 7. Talk to your kids about all these things. Talk on the go, when you’re going to bed, when you’re getting up and when you’re at home. And I had read that verse a million times and I loved that verse, but one day it dawned on me I’m not really talking about all this stuff that I just talked about in the shift. I’m not sitting down with my kid and talking to them about how bullying has changed and why it’s so humiliating and why you have to guard your heart against that and not worry about that. All those specific conversations and if I just tweak it a little, like it could literally save their lives from somebody online trying to refer in them that doesn’t want them for good.
0:20:18 – Speaker 2
Yes, they want to hurt my baby. Well, and like we said earlier, we often parent from how we were parented. Yeah, we’re thinking, okay, at some point I’m going to have to sit down on the couch and have this sex conversation with my kids. Okay, check, there’s that one I’m going to have to talk to them about. Yeah, there’s a stranger danger. Okay, check, I’ll have that conversation. We kind of put it out like that because that’s how most of us were parent. Yeah, and that’s part of that shift that we’re talking about, and that’s Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7. The Lord revealed to Mandy that’s how you have to parent through this day and age. It has to be casual, on the go, open communication, a culture of conversation in your home at any time, where your kids can ask you about anything and you are not going to lose your ever-loving mind.
0:20:58 – Speaker 3
When I speak at churches and I think that it’s okay for me to say this. Sometimes it’s not okay for me to say that you guys, my dream for you is that you can be driving down the road and one of your kids say what is anal sex? And nobody go crazy, nobody start screaming, nobody’s losing, nobody sweeps it under the rug, but you have a conversation because they need that information. They’re hearing this at school or seeing it online, either one. But that is my dream for you and Kim is right, it’s practical, on the go conversation. You know? The other thing, how we grew up, is you just lay down the law.
Yes, that because I said so, yes, and I’m not saying you don’t have restrictions. You have family guidelines and you have restrictions and obviously you are the authority to Authoritative parent and you do all that stuff. But there’s been a little tweak that we need to make you know, and instead of like laying down the law and saying this is what, this is what’s right and this is what’s wrong, what I found so helpful is I will say to my kids Well, why don’t you go look up this scripture? And then they’ll go look it up. Whatever they’re asking me about, you know, say they’re asking me about sexuality or something like that.
I’ll say go look up this scripture. Then they’ll come back and I’ll say, well, what do you think God says about that? And then, god, you know. Then they will say this is what God says. And I said, okay, so it doesn’t line up with what you’re hearing. So then let’s go read this scripture, you know, and like walk them through that process. So you’re still guiding them to the truth, you’re still pointing them to Jesus, but it’s not like lay down the law, these are my law, these are my rules. You’re having them seek Jesus yes for the answers. And like we need to be modeling that out for them, parents.
0:22:38 – Speaker 2
Absolutely same with that Holy Spirit moment that you have throughout the day. You want to model and teach your kids to be aware and thoughtful, and Listening to that when they’re with their friends or when they’re out and about as these difficult situations are coming up in their world. You are not gonna be there all the time, yeah, you’re not. And so teaching them to listen to that Holy Spirit voice that says I need to get up. At this point, I need to stay, I need to say something that’s so important. That’s a part of parenting through these difficult topics.
0:23:05 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I mean when my kid now comes home and says this is happening and I don’t know how to deal with it, you know, before old Mandy would have been like get away from those kids and don’t do it. Now I’m like are you listening to Jesus? Because he will tell you when to stay, when to go, when to speak up, when to remove yourself, like he’s gonna Work you through that and then we talk through it that way, instead of just me telling her because I’m not there. I don’t really know the situation. I’m getting bits and pieces from her and I have learned so much on this journey that so many times when I would tell her to leave situations, I was not giving her the ability to seek Jesus and see Jesus work through her in her life, with her friends, exactly. So I am continually learning that it’s a process.
0:23:48 – Speaker 2
Yeah, it is. You know, our mission at next top is to help you create a culture of conversation in your home. But, like I said before, that is the only and the best way, that Relationship to protect your kids. Yes, the filters, yes, all of those things that you can pay for, set up and and put on your devices, but the conversation and the communication in the relationship, that’s what’s going to change things, that’s what’s gonna save your kids.
0:24:17 – Speaker 3
Well, you know, when I started this journey, I had all this fear of what she was seeing online, what she was, but told about it, recess, mm-hmm. That fear is gone now because, guess what, no matter what she’s exposed to, no matter what she hears in the hallway, no matter what, she’s gonna come home and ask me yeah, and then I get to speak into it. I mean, what a privilege and if I remain calm and don’t go into that crazy mom mode that I talk about.
0:24:42 – Speaker 2
I don’t want to.
0:24:42 – Speaker 3
Yes, some of these things you’re gonna want to when you really create the culture, you’re gonna know some shit. You got to remain calm and but but that really is everything. That nextTalk is about Helping parents create that kind of culture where, whatever they’re dealing with, they’re gonna come home and ask you and you’re gonna walk them through that, and sometimes that is meaning I don’t have the answers. Let’s go see a counselor, let’s go talk to a doctor, that’s okay. We don’t have to have all the answers, but any. We just need to be their safe place, absolutely real quick a recap of our show.
0:25:14 – Speaker 2
Due to the digital world, there has been a shift in parenting that we have to recognize. You can delay the phone, but please, please, please, do not delay the conversations, and the solution is open communication. Create a culture of conversation in your home so your child will tell you what they’re seeing online and hearing from their friends.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630 the word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk. Or are you ready for the next time?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
