0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk, sponsored by nextTalk.org, contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:38 – Speaker 2
Today we’re talking about self-image.
0:00:42 – Speaker 3
I’m out. I don’t want to do it.
0:00:45 – Speaker 2
We just did the New Year, new you show, and I think this is a good transition. Right To talk about this next, because how we see ourselves is a big deal in how we parent and how we are a spouse and how we carry ourselves everything, absolutely.
0:00:59 – Speaker 3
It affects so much, I think even more than we realize.
0:01:02 – Speaker 2
The idea from this show. We have to take them through this process with us, because it was a text I received from you and you were having this moment and I was like, oh my word, we need to do a show on this.
0:01:16 – Speaker 3
I don’t remember exactly what I said in the text. It was profound Well, thank you.
I wish I could remember it then. My goodness, I should have pulled it up. So basically, my mom was moving recently and we were packing up boxes but we were going through old boxes that were up in a closet and she had a whole bunch of pictures in there and she wanted to sort through them and give some to me and keep some. So myself and my daughter actually were going through these pictures and I came across three or four of them from when I was in high school, like that span of freshman to senior year. One was a prom picture. One was just a picture of my mom and I, a dance picture.
0:01:58 – Speaker 2
A dance picture. I remember them.
0:02:00 – Speaker 3
You sent them to me. Yes, that’s right. And as I’m looking at them and my little girl is like mommy, you’re so beautiful, which is sweet because I’m her mom.
0:02:09 – Speaker 2
And I said that too. No, I said that you texted him to me and I’m like, oh my word, you were so pretty, Not were?
0:02:19 – Speaker 3
Thanks, Mandy majors. You know what I mean.
0:02:21 – Speaker 2
You’re pretty now, but I didn’t know you then and I was like, wow, kim, you were hot. I can’t call you a hot mama because you weren’t a mama yet. I was not a mama, you know, but it was like whoa bombshell, which is a school bombshell.
0:02:38 – Speaker 3
It was so funny when you said that. That really hit me hard because I’m looking at these pictures and I remember all through those years middle school and high school thinking I was so fat and ugly and awkward and all of these feelings and that I wasn’t good enough and that I wasn’t like the other kids and the other girls and everybody else, looked better and was thinner and all of these things. And in that moment, looking at those pictures, I was almost grieving, thinking, oh my goodness, if I could just go back and talk to that girl and tell her you’re beautifully made, like God made you that way and you’re not fat or ugly or worthless or any of those feelings that you’re feeling through all those hormones of those years, and don’t compare yourself, because you’re perfect the way you are. I wish I could have seen as a 15 year old what I was seeing as a 40 year old.
0:03:36 – Speaker 2
Because through my response and your daughter’s response you kind of saw what we saw. Oh, this is like a high school bombshell here. I was like I wish I look like that now, Don’t we all sister? I need to turn back the dial a bit. Turn back time.
0:03:52 – Speaker 3
Yes, it was just a moment where I thought, oh, all those feelings were lies from Satan, and I believed them.
0:04:01 – Speaker 2
And how many times do we do that in our present sense? Okay, so you know, we’re in our 40s now. We’re moms, we’re in the thick of it. You know we’re tired. You know, in 30 years are we going to look back at our family pictures and be like I was doing it? I was kinda cool, I was having the conversations, I was building a great culture at home and I was happy Like we were happy, but then we miss it because every day we’re like beating ourselves up, we’re not doing enough, the house isn’t clean.
I feel like a failure, like I felt like a failure the other day because I had to do the grocery pickup. You know, in my mind I’m just failing at something, because a good mom and a good wife would have time to do all of that.
0:04:49 – Speaker 3
All the lies that we tell ourselves.
0:04:50 – Speaker 2
Yes, and so we’re seeing ourselves differently than what we are.
0:04:55 – Speaker 3
My husband loves to tell the story and I’m not sure who he heard this from or where, but he says you know, a man looks in the mirror and they could be 50 pounds overweight, maybe their skin is bad, their hair is gray, and they will find the one good thing that they see in the mirror Like oh yeah, look at my big toe, it’s a rocket. But women, we stand in front of the mirror and we can’t see anything but all the bad, like we pick at everything and point out every flaw and bad thing, and I think that we are notorious for that. We’re looking, we see all the things that we’re not doing or aren’t good enough or are different.
0:05:33 – Speaker 2
Well, and I feel like you know, we’re not only to blame here. I feel like the culture in the world feed us that. Like there’s so many more expectations on the woman’s physical appearance and everything like all of it.
0:05:47 – Speaker 3
Well, we talk about how it’s the. The parenting has shifted with our kids because of what they’re exposed to and what they have access to and see. But it’s shifted for us too. All the things being thrown at us constantly about self-image and what you should be and who you should be. It’s constant and that’s new for our generation.
0:06:05 – Speaker 2
Well, and because of the online world, it’s like magnified. I mean, you and I, we didn’t grow up scrolling through Instagram with all of our peers with beautiful filters, looking flawless like models, so if we struggled with self-image, can you even imagine the teen girls today? And the boys too? But I mean, we’re really talking about the women thing here, and so I we really need to take note of this. It’s gonna have to require a lot of different conversations that we didn’t even have to have with our parents because of it.
0:06:39 – Speaker 3
Well, and that was kind of where that thought went as I was looking at those pictures and, having that thought about, I wish I could have told my 15 year old self all the things that I’m thinking now. It really reminded me how intentional I need to be with my daughter, because she’s growing up, like you said, in this whole new world a false world in so many ways, an edited world in so many ways. So her standards are going to be unreachable, unreachable. So it’s like you start from a place of failure if you’re comparing yourself.
0:07:09 – Speaker 2
Well, and I think you know, first, before we even get into those conversations with our kids and I want to really tackle that in a minute but I think we have to think about like again, it always starts with us, always does, and if we’re talking negatively To ourselves all the time, that’s going to come out and flow and so it’s really going to be hard to have this conversation with our kids.
Yes, and so you know, we always say look in the mirror.
That is one of the phrases we always say, and we always say it kind of in a way to find your faults, because you know, we do all have blind spots, sure, and we do all have shortcomings, and some of us you all know my story, like I needed to be a good listener, that was one of the things God pointed out at me like the culture is not going to change in your home until you get this down Right. Yeah, and I still feel very strongly about that. We have to look in the mirror and see our faults. But I think where we’re not doing a good job is looking in the mirror and seeing our strengths. Yes, because with anything, we need to have a balance here. We need to be able to recognize when we’ve messed up, but we also need to recognize when we look in the mirror and be like I am doing this, like yes, you know, or like my spot smile looks great today, or you know, whatever. We need to find those things that make us feel good and appreciate our own self.
0:08:29 – Speaker 3
Well, yeah, and I think a lot of times we go to this bad place when we think we’re bragging or that we are Coming from a place that is obnoxious and really, if you think about it, got created us in his image. There’s some good right there, yeah, I’d say. And we need to come from a place of recognizing, recognizing, not being bragging, because that’s not. I mean, that’s not what you’re doing. Right, you’re standing in the mirror. You’re recognizing the gifts that God has given you, the ways he has blessed you and how you’re using that to change the world. That’s a good thing. Yeah, this is a celebrate.
0:09:05 – Speaker 2
You’re gonna tweet out and be like I’m so good at whatever. That would be a little braggy. Yeah, no, we’re celebrating. This is about internal like self-talk. Yeah, like giving yourself a pep talk, seeing the good things. You know, one of the things that I have found that has really helped me with this like see myself from somebody else’s Eyes is having a good circle of friends.
Yeah you have really helped me with this, like in particularly, you have helped me with this. In fact, on the way here today we were talking on the phone because our time is so limited, so when we’re in the car without kids, like we’re on a conference, call. About work or something right, and I said to you this certain thing is overwhelming me, this task that I need to do, because I don’t feel like I’m equipped for it, mm-hmm and what you said to me was like I feel like you’re the best person for the job, like what are you talking about?
You’re totally okay with this. You see me differently than I see myself. That’s true, that’s very true. And I feel like when you surround yourself with those people and and you also say, mandy, you’re not good at this, let me take this. I’m good at this, you know, and so it’s about again, a balance, yeah, but I feel like that has been so important in my journey and like seeing myself from other people’s eyes.
0:10:19 – Speaker 3
I agree with you.
I think having that circle of friends or even just one or two people that can be in relationship with you that way and Don’t be discouraged if those people are not in your life right now that can also be a spouse.
Yeah, and you know, the hard one that I struggle with and I’m learning and walking through is my kids. They are really good mirrors in good and bad, and they will say, mom, you’re really not that good at that or that’s not really your thing. And for me to be able to say thank you for telling me, you know it is a struggle for me. And then the flip side, which is the one I struggle with even more, is when they’ll be like mom, that was awesome, and my first response is no. You know, I like shoot away and I’m really trying hard to say thank you Period. Yeah, and zip it up like learning to accept a compliment and learning to hear the words of wisdom from a friend or your child or your spouse is an art you have to practice, you have to let it sink in and accept it.
0:11:17 – Speaker 2
Well, I think that’s such a good point that kids are so honest. They are, they are on it. Yes, sometimes it’s scary and it hurts. There’s some ouches in there, and but I also think it’s sorry, I know it’s.
0:11:32 – Speaker 3
It’s one of those things like you, you should definitely pay attention to it. Like, even though they’re honest to a fault and even though they’re kids, what they have to say is still valid, and a lot of times there’s some truths, some little nuggets in those truths that they share with us.
0:11:45 – Speaker 2
Yes, and you know what if you struggle with you know, like you said, we receiving that compliment and saying just thank you.
Yeah, if you do struggle with pride and you’ve identified like that’s an issue for me, because once I get those compliments it goes to my head or whatever I think it’s okay to recognize it and then receive that compliment and just mentally say to yourself that’s because I’m submitting to God and he’s showing me. Yeah, so you’re giving God the credit, but you’re also taking ownership and you had a part to play in it. You know what I mean, because we do have a part to play in it Absolutely. It’s not just like God doing something in us, like we have to be obedient and submit to him before he does work in us, it’s absolutely, and so being able to tell yourself that I think is a really important that’s helped me again back to that self-talk.
0:12:30 – Speaker 3
It’s really important to do the self Evaluation and be able to shift the way that we speak to ourselves About the things that God is showing us and the things that you know, and sometimes it’s painful. When he shows us those things and things that we could do better at, it’s important, but on the other side of that, when he’s showing us through other people, the things that we’re doing good, being able to change the way we talk about it to ourselves. You know what I have been working hard on that, thank you. That’s a blessing. You know what I mean. Like I’m learning. I’m learning. Yes, absolutely.
0:13:00 – Speaker 2
It’s, it’s so. It’s rewarding actually to feel like you’re moving in a healthy direction and it doesn’t it doesn’t feel like guilt anymore because you’re like I’m moving in the right direction. So, I’m I’m so happy about that. I know what God wants for me and so, yeah, I think that’s a very valid point. You know, getting into the bulk of like talking to your kids about this. So when this happened with you and you texted me and whatever, I Let my daughter see that text thread.
0:13:26 – Speaker 3
Mm-hmm.
0:13:27 – Speaker 2
And I let her see your pictures and, like, read what you wrote, mm-hmm. And we had this most beautiful conversation about it. Because she was like, and you know, maybe you can do that at home with your kids with this podcast, you know, you can say I heard this podcast today and this woman, you know she’s my age, but she was looking back at her high school pictures and she wishes she could go back and talk to that teen girl, yeah, and tell her how beautiful she was, because she wasn’t fat and she wasn’t ugly, you know, and she wasn’t awkward, mm-hmm. And so it just created a really great dialogue with us.
And one of the things that I like to say to her a lot is when I hear her being negative about herself or being down on herself or something Doing the negative self self-talk, one of the things that I’ll say to her is hey, would you say that to your friends? You know, like, would you point out that fault in your friends? I love that. And when she says no, I’ll say then you shouldn’t say it to yourself, you know, and normally it’s about a physical thing, because that’s where women go.
0:14:28 – Speaker 3
Like I know I’m being stereotypical there but that’s where we go. That’s so true, and I love that because it helps them have perspective. You know, you know you’re right. I wouldn’t point that out. So why am I doing that to myself?
0:14:41 – Speaker 2
That’s so toxic and terrible If you’re just now tuning in. This is nextTalk radio at 2 pm On am 6 30. The word nextTalk radio is listener supported. Everything we do at our nonprofit to keep kids strength online and strengthen families is accomplished through your donations To support our organization. Go to nextTalk org and click on give.
0:15:04 – Speaker 3
Today we’re talking about self-image. We kind of talked a little bit about what prompted this show, the way we have. We talked to each other, talk to ourselves and doing some of that self evaluation like am I, am I bad at talking to myself in a negative way and not being able to turn that quarter and say, okay, lord, the Lord is showing me this, but there’s also some things I’m really doing well at, and remembering to focus on those as well. And we’ve shifted into talking with your kids. How do you do that? And, as in almost everything that we address here at nextTalk, we set the tone.
We’re in a model tone, and I cannot tell you how many times I’ve caught myself saying something like oh, my jeans are tight because of blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, or like what you like to say to me is you got your fat jeans on?
Yes, I do, I so do, but they pick up on that, I do pick up on that. And they hear those little things and they’re like, oh, should I be looking at myself? Should I be analyzing myself that way? I actually heard a mom at a grocery store one time having this conversation with her daughter, and the only reason I give this example is because I was so laser focused on the way the daughter was reacting.
It made a huge impression on me, the mom, the daughter brought over a sweater and was showing her mom why they were standing in line at this grocery store and she’s like what do you think of this? And her mom goes Well, if you lose like ten pounds, maybe you could squeeze into it. And she just went on and on about the way her daughter looked and her face, like her countenance, just dropped. You could see in that moment she was crushed, crushed. And you know, I think so easy for us to be judgy of ourselves and then, the more that we’re used to doing that we can do that to our kids and not even realize it, because it’s normal, because it’s normal to us, because it comes the culture of your home, yeah, and you know, even in a joking way, sometimes we think, oh, we’re just joking around, but those things stick.
0:17:02 – Speaker 2
I know grown adults like us who jokingly that happened in their home and they’ve struggled their whole life with it yes Like. I know people personally.
Yes, and so this is a thing, and you know, I’ve had parents come to me and say I’m worried about my kids weight or whatever. And that’s okay that you’re worried about that, but be very careful on how you’re communicating that with your kids. You know, maybe it’s just for our family. We’re gonna start eating healthier and we’re gonna start going on a walk every night. And it’s not directed at them per se. Yes, you know. I mean, there are conversations that we have with our kids like our son loves sports, and we’re like you’re gonna get to a point where you’re gonna have to eat a little healthier. You know you’re fine.
Your weight and everything is fine, but at some point you’re gonna have to make some changes in your diet if you’re really serious about pursuing this. You know we have those conversations. It’s a real conversation, but it’s not about like you’re so big or you’re too little or you know, like be real, just be cautious, Pray about it, you know. If you have to have those tough conversations with your kids because you don’t want to create some negative self-talk in their head, that wasn’t there before, absolutely.
0:18:15 – Speaker 3
And I think practicing looking for the good in every person is a really great way to create that culture in your home also of not only your kids looking for the good in others but in themselves. If they see you constantly saying something kind or complimenting people, then they will follow suit and hopefully give themself that grace as well. When they look in the mirror They’ll see it, you know you okay.
0:18:40 – Speaker 2
So I’m coming back to you because you have some good stories for this self-image show. Recently you posted on Facebook about your husband. Yeah, and you know all of us who know him, he’s very humble. He’s very like I just do what I do, Like he works with middle school kids. He’s amazing, he has a heart for them and he doesn’t ever feel like he needs praise or glory or whatever. He just does it.
0:19:05 – Speaker 3
He’s a stick of it.
0:19:07 – Speaker 2
Yeah, but they had a help me with this.
0:19:11 – Speaker 3
It was like around Thanksgiving time and they put a table up in the hallway of the school. Now, if you know and or remember middle school like it’s all about her friends, you know you’re talking. You’re going in between classes.
0:19:26 – Speaker 2
You’re playing Fortnite in between?
0:19:28 – Speaker 3
Yes, You’re on social media.
0:19:30 – Speaker 2
Yes, you gotta know the T. Yeah, do you know what that means? I don’t. I’m pretending Knowing the T. Oh the T, yes, knowing the gossip Like, every night when my kid gets in the car I’m like what’s the T? Yeah, like T-E-A.
0:19:42 – Speaker 3
they spell it that way T like we’re gonna have T together. We’re gonna have T time.
0:19:46 – Speaker 2
Like, and if it’s like really big gossip, it’s like this is piping hot. Like she’ll get in the color I have T and it is like piping hot. It’s so funny.
0:19:56 – Speaker 3
I’m like, okay, I get that Because, like T time back in the south was when all the women got together and gossiped, so you know, I guess kind of makes it I get why they where they come up with that one, yeah, okay so.
0:20:08 – Speaker 2
I totally got sidetracked.
0:20:09 – Speaker 3
No, but it’s true, so let’s go back to.
0:20:11 – Speaker 2
okay. So imagine middle school hallway Getting the T.
0:20:14 – Speaker 3
In between, you know getting the T talking about the Fortnite dances, all of this. The kids are going back and forth to class, and so I don’t know who did it, but they set up a table in one of the hallways and they had like a bag with the name of every teacher and administrator on these bags and they had these papers and pencils and they said basically like if you want to write a note to any staff member in the school, you can do that, and that was it, Okay.
0:20:40 – Speaker 2
so first of all, I would think nobody did it because it’s middle school kids.
0:20:44 – Speaker 3
I wouldn’t have probably done it in middle school.
0:20:46 – Speaker 2
And you’re not thinking you’re juggling so much. You have just a few minutes in between classes and if it’s right before Thanksgiving, they’re done, they’re ready, they’re taking finals. They’re like I’m outta here in a couple of days.
0:20:55 – Speaker 3
Well, and I’m thinking about the boys, like my boys, just to get them to write period is like an act of Congress.
0:21:01 – Speaker 1
Like I gotta write it down?
0:21:03 – Speaker 3
no, and it’s just usually not their thing.
0:21:06 – Speaker 2
Okay, but so your husband came home. He didn’t tell you about it. My husband came home for.
0:21:11 – Speaker 3
Thanksgiving break, you know, whatever we’re doing all the things, all the turkey and all the trots and all the stuff. We did a turkey trot, a 5K, that’s where that came from. Anyway, we’re doing all the things with all the family and I’m cleaning up the after Thanksgiving and I’m putting stuff away and whatever. And I find this bag with his name on it on his dresser and that’s kind of his drop everything zone.
0:21:35 – Speaker 2
I have to give him a space. We call it the stash. That’s what we call it. We have a specific spot at the stash.
0:21:40 – Speaker 3
He needs his little space and so I don’t clean that very often. But I walked over there and I see this brown bag with his name on it and all these like papers falling out of it, like colorful papers, and I’m like what is this, you know? And I pick it up and I look at one of the papers and it is the sweetest note to my husband just about you know, you make coming to school worth it every day. From a kid at school.
From a middle school kid guys, what is this? And so he comes around the corner and I’m like, what is this? And he’s like, oh, you know, and he gave me the low down what it was and he’s like, yeah, he kind of brushed it off.
0:22:13 – Speaker 2
Though he brushed it off Because he’s not a pat yourself on the back kind of guy.
0:22:16 – Speaker 3
No he’s not. And I said, well, could we read these? And he’s like, I guess, if you want to? And I was like, yeah, could we bring him to the dinner table. So we did and my oldest son, my nine year old, read every single one and laid him out on the table and like I’m like crying and my kids are like, wow, dad, oh, my goodness, and they were beautiful. They were all these things about how he sees in them the good and he sees how they are worth it and he speaks over them and all these beautiful things that he really doesn’t think much about. But it’s changing the culture.
0:22:50 – Speaker 2
So in his eyes he’s just doing his job. This is just what you do, but I think it’s so cool that you and the kids got to see him through other people’s eyes, through other people’s eyes and made it in that, and then y’all had a conversation which I loved that you said this is why daddy’s tired sometimes and this is why, daddy, sometimes, when he comes home, he has to go to bed because he’s exhausted. There are those days where he’s at his end, yes, and pours out.
And then everybody kind of understands it better. But if I mean, this is such a great culture for our homes because it’s teaching our kids, and then when your kid does something, you can say hey, I know you don’t see yourself like this, but others see yourself like you’re amazing in this area.
0:23:34 – Speaker 3
Yet you are making such a huge impact by doing this or by acting this way and you may never know it, but I’m telling you it plants a seed or it blesses in a way that you don’t know.
0:23:44 – Speaker 2
I just had to have this conversation with my kid recently. One of them I’m not gonna say which one to keep it a little bit more anonymous, but it was this thing that is so unique to my child and I can’t say he or she, but the child is so good at it.
It’s just clear that this is their gift. And they had no idea, really, and they were like what, people don’t see me that way. I’m like, yes, they do. Like it was like this whole conversation because they didn’t even realize it. And so if we can do that again with each other like spouses, and then in front of our kids, and then our kids will start to actually do it with us.
0:24:22 – Speaker 3
They’ll see it’s like a full circle moment. Yes, so cool. So, anyway, I have to say that this is a hard show to talk about because I think generally we are hard on ourselves. But it’s important to recognize that and change that and remember we set the tone for our kids and we don’t want them to be in the same space that we were and we don’t want them to have a negative self-talk as their norm, and so we get to change that. It just takes a tweak to make a change.
0:24:51 – Speaker 2
Yeah, and I think, just being aware of it, just being aware of it and having those own conversations with yourself and catch yourself doing it, you know, like when you find yourself being very negative, like stop it and be like, oh my goodness, like I’m being negative, that’s not okay.
0:25:06 – Speaker 3
So, to wrap up today, look in the mirror and acknowledge your strengths.
0:25:10 – Speaker 1
I know you’re gonna wanna look at all the bad stuff.
0:25:13 – Speaker 3
Look for your strengths and celebrate them. Teach your kids to avoid negative self-talk. Never say to yourself what you wouldn’t say to someone else. I love that. Tell your kids that that’s really good. Yeah, and point out people’s gifts. Help them see themselves how you see them.
0:25:32 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter. Find our free video series and podcast at nextTalk.org. Are you ready for the nextTalk? We’ll see you next time. We’ll see you next time.
Transcribed by https://podium.page
