0:00:00 – Speaker 1
nextTalk contains content of a mature nature. Parental guidance is advised. Welcome to nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM 630. The word Mandy is the author of Talk and Kim is the director of nextTalk, a nonprofit organization helping parents cyber parent through open communication. Follow us on Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, find our video series and subscribe to our weekly podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
0:00:35 – Speaker 2
Today we’re doing a show called Hear your Kid.
0:00:39 – Speaker 3
Yeah, you know, like many of our shows, this one came out of a parenting fail for me, I think it’s like all of our shows.
0:00:45 – Speaker 2
All of our shows Parenting fails, marriage fail, friendship fails.
0:00:49 – Speaker 3
Like we’ll text each other Like 2 am I messed up so badly today? And then the other one’s like that’s a show, exactly.
0:00:57 – Speaker 2
Exactly.
0:00:59 – Speaker 3
Yeah. So let me set this up for you guys, and if you guys follow me on my author page on Facebook, you’ve heard a little bit of this story. I totally messed up and I literally did what I wrote a book about not doing. Yeah, you know, and it just makes you feel so icky and hypocritical inside and we’re all still learning and you know I’m always like avoid the lecture mode, avoid preacher mode, avoid crazy mom mode, and I just erupted in it, all of it.
0:01:28 – Speaker 2
All of it.
0:01:29 – Speaker 3
All of it. So we’re driving to school one day and I’m with one of my children and it’s just this child and myself and they are telling me something pretty serious, right as they do often in the car. You know, I love that verse Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7 talk on the go right, our signature verse around here. And I was feeling very frustrated inside from the story that this kid was telling me, because I could see an agenda being pushed on our kids and I could see like manipulation happening and it just really bothered me. Yeah, and let me give you the back story here I had been traveling a lot, speaking a lot, I was tired, we were all kind of tired. So that played into my response, I believe. Yeah, the other part of it was I had been doing a lot of research for work around this issue.
0:02:21 – Speaker 2
Yes, your headspace was already there. Well, and I?
0:02:23 – Speaker 3
had been seeing a lot of the really extreme stuff that’s happening in this kind of thing in this space. So I was getting super defensive and instead of controlling those emotions, this kid said one thing and it just triggered and I just went lecture preacher crazy mode, yeah, and I was saying why it was wrong and all the research, like I’m just spouting it off right and about 10 minutes go by.
The road trip is over, like we’re finally pulling in to the school and I kind of got tired of hearing myself talk Like we’re finally pulling in and this kid looks at me and the kid says can I finish what I was saying? Oh yeah, If your kid ever says that to you, you know you have literally hijacked the entire conversation I have heard that more than once.
Yes, I heard it and I just fell inside Like my face, like I was like, oh no, I totally messed this up and the kid got out of the car and you know we didn’t really have I didn’t get any information about how it affected her, what her opinion was, what she saw happening, like I should have. If I was wise and followed my own advice, I would have asked questions to see like how this affected her and was she seeing the manipulation involved in this, or was she seeing how an agenda was being pushed? And then I could do a lot of research on like where her head space was and know what kind of conversations to have, but I missed all of that.
You want to say something to comfort me at this point.
0:04:19 – Speaker 2
No, look how you failed.
0:04:21 – Speaker 3
Like I failed too.
0:04:25 – Speaker 2
No, I’m just enjoying this moment. I’m that kind of good friend. No, I’m just thinking about how many times I’ve done that and how many times we all do that, because we’re human and even as much as we know what to do and we know how fruitful it is for our relationship in our home when we do the right thing, when our guard is down, when we’re tired, when we’re in that space, in that moment and we’re vulnerable, we mess up, no matter your bandy majors, you know, speaking on the stage about all the time, everyone messes up and I feel like this should be a comfort to all of us.
0:05:00 – Speaker 3
Well, it’s a reminder you don’t put people on pedestals. People aren’t perfect pastors. You’re gonna fail. Oh, they’re they’re preaching one thing on Sunday, but they’re struggling. Yes, and it’s one thing we shouldn’t be. You know, we shouldn’t be too faced, absolutely, but we should be humble enough to say, oh my gosh, I messed this up.
0:05:19 – Speaker 2
Well, and it is just a reminder, I just had a mom yesterday say man, how do you get it right every time with your kid?
0:05:30 – Speaker 3
Let me send her some of your screenshots.
0:05:31 – Speaker 2
Thank you, thank you, I, you know, I laughed hysterically and I was like sister. Let me just encourage you. I Get it right on occasion. The fact is, though, that I my heart is to get it right every time. Yes, it’s a heart issue. My desire is to be in that space to create open communication every time, but I still mess up, and so will you, and it’s okay. It’s about the circle back, which is what we’re gonna talk on today.
0:05:58 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I had a mom recently at an event come up to me and she says I’ve read your book, it’s great, it’s helped me so much. Why do your kids always do what that you say? For them to do yes and I again I laughed and I hugged her and I said listen, there were a lot of stories I wanted to share in my book about my kids and how they messed up and my kids weren’t comfortable with sharing those. Don’t tell the bad stories.
So I couldn’t and I said I don’t want it to ever come across that way. Like Everybody in my home makes mistakes all day long. We’re all learning, you know, but it is again that heart of humility, just like you said, just we’re trying to get it right and we’re, we’re open to the fact of the Holy Spirit showing us when we get it Wrong, like we. We want, like I like that conviction actually because it helps me be better, Absolutely so.
I don’t want to leave everybody hanging. So what did I do? Yes, fix this situation right.
0:06:51 – Speaker 2
Did you fix it?
0:06:52 – Speaker 3
Well, I’m happy to report it’s been awesome, but it took a lot of prayer because in that moment I Remember driving out of the school feeling so deflated I’m feeling like a hypocrite and I literally could hear God speaking in my heart Saying to me you did not create a culture of open communication Like I’m telling you to create from Deuteronomy 6, 6 and 7. You shut all that down. So I need you to fix this. I’m gonna show you how to do it. So the first thing I did once I got home and I had prayed all the way home about this whole situation Like how am I gonna repair this damage? The first thing I did was I texted this child and I said I’m so sorry, I Overreacted, I should have listened better, I’m so sorry. And the child, you know, sent some emojis back like it’s okay, love you, whatever right kisses.
Yes, and so my next step, though, was praying for the right time to circle back because we always say, circle back and Apologize and have a good face-to-face, and I also wanted to explain to her, like why I was in that space. Yeah, even though it didn’t excuse it, I wanted her to see, like, how Satan had brought it to this point where I then let emotions take over, and so a Couple weeks went by, and I kept praying for that right time, and there was no time, like so busy, right, so many activities.
0:08:23 – Speaker 2
I just want to say really quick here that sometimes we try to force the circle back, yeah, and, and then it’s awkward or it’s not the right time. It’s not there and they’re not receptive and they’re not receptive, and so I love that you’re saying you prayed for God to create that space for the right time, because it’s really crucial.
0:08:39 – Speaker 3
Well, and I asked you to pray.
0:08:40 – Speaker 2
Do you remember I?
0:08:41 – Speaker 3
texted. You know my closest friend, kim, and I said I just need you to pray for me to have this right time with this kid, because I need To have some good conversations to repair this. So God is good, because when you pray for something is not always answered right away and I was getting a little like, oh, am I ever gonna be able to circle?
back here. But there was this moment that opened up where we had to drive separate to an event from our other family Because of a timing issue, and it opened up Two hours in the car, yes and so, and this kid was chatty and they were in the mood to talk and they were telling me all this stuff that was happening at school and I was like I don’t get the time.
0:09:25 – Speaker 1
Right.
0:09:26 – Speaker 3
And so I explained everything. We went in, we had some great conversations and this child was very receptive and kind of understood. I even pulled up some of the research and I was like this is why I was so angry about the situation, you know, because I’m seeing this and I know this is an extreme case, but this is happening right. So I was showing her all of this and it just worked out really good. And then what was super cool is a couple weeks later this kid came back with the same issue and was opening up to me again. So I knew I hadn’t shut it all down. And when this kid came back to me and she started talking to me again, I was like, oh my gosh, I fixed it. Like God repaired that for us, and I think that’s just so important.
0:10:16 – Speaker 2
Well, yeah, cause, if you like, rewind back to the day when it happened, if you had left.
0:10:21 – Speaker 3
Satan to-.
0:10:22 – Speaker 1
This kid’s never gonna open up to me again. Yeah, never gonna open up.
0:10:24 – Speaker 2
I shut it down and you live in that space of failure and you never you decide not to circle back. All this you would have missed.
0:10:33 – Speaker 3
Well, it just tells the kid like it’s too much drama.
0:10:36 – Speaker 2
It’s too much.
0:10:37 – Speaker 3
Yes, she’s just gonna go into lecture mode?
0:10:40 – Speaker 2
Yeah, don’t do it. Don’t do it and you would have thought I have failed and it’s over, and you would have never circled back and repaired the relationship. And so so many lessons out of this one story that I love about really hearing your kid James 119. One of my favorites. Yes, you know we wanna go into lecture mode, but God is saying be quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry. So hard to do, but so powerful in our family when we actually do it.
0:11:06 – Speaker 3
I mean people don’t think of that as a parenting verse.
0:11:08 – Speaker 2
Oh, come on, that’s a parenting verse.
0:11:10 – Speaker 3
That’s a life verse Quick to listen, slow to speak, slow to get angry, and it’s hard to do, especially when you’re tired. You know we do a lot of shows on being over scheduled and over it and being too busy in this crazy world. That makes our patients so low and I’m seeing that the more I’m stretched thin, my response is worse. It’s not as good as it should be.
0:11:35 – Speaker 2
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0:12:02 – Speaker 1
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0:12:27 – Speaker 2
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0:12:34 – Speaker 3
So we gotta be good listeners. I just was real vulnerable. Hey, we did a show on vulnerability too we sure did. It’s important, right. But I really did mess up and I learned a lot in circling back and apologizing and how it repaired the relationship and I just encourage you we’re all gonna mess up, but have that vulnerability to circle back and apologize. What God can do with that I just think is really cool to see and learn from.
0:13:02 – Speaker 2
So in today we’re talking about listening to your kid and really hearing your kid, and that’s a great example. That whole story is a great example of how we might be triggered by something quickly and we go into lecture mode and we go into crazy mode and so we don’t hear what they actually have to say. But there’s other ways that we get thrown off track and we don’t hear our kid. Yes, big one for me is multitasking, and I will be completely transparent here.
I used to say multitasking was like a badge of honor, like I took it on as like a prideful thing, like I can multitask like nobody’s business, I can do it all and I can do it well. And I didn’t realize till later in life that that was such a total lie that I had believed from like from Satan, like seriously, I thought I was doing all these things well and I was really doing nothing well. And it affected me most in my relationship with my husband and my kids, because I’m trying to multitask and doing all these things and I can’t really hear you if my focus is diverted to five other things at the same time. And I think that’s something especially moms struggle with because we have so much on our shoulders and we’re trying to do dinner, we’re trying to work, we’re trying to answer the phone call, all the things happening, the kid tugging at you. And then your kid asks a serious question or wants to tell you a story, and you’re like uh-huh, uh-huh yes yes, all the things.
And they know that you’re not hearing them, they know that you’re not really receiving information and it just shuts them down.
0:14:31 – Speaker 3
Well, again I have another story here, because I messed up a lot here. But with my son this happened a couple years ago and he was doing homework at the island and I was dinner and loading dishwasher, facebooking all the things right, all of it, and he was asking me how to spell a word Like can you help me spell this word? And I remember him just saying it over and you know how it like on repeat and you’re like stop, and I’m trying to like group text over here.
I’m trying to be funny and I think it was a work issue. I really do think it was something critical, if I remember correctly, but still, yeah. And I remember saying Baba, give me a minute. Yeah, and like everything got silent and like I could see this, the change of his face, like I had just crushed it, right, just crushed his little spirit. And I remember looking at him and I was so disappointed in myself I just grabbed the dog leash and went outside because I couldn’t even like I had to pray about it, like I had to be like what do I do now? Right, and again it was the circle back, but it was right.
Then that moment I spent a couple minutes walking the dog out front, praying like Lord, oh my goodness, I really just messed this up, but I was multitasking and I was trying to do too much at once. So I remember going back in that night and I apologized and I said from now on, this is my rule for me when you’re doing homework, I’m not gonna have my phone anywhere, anywhere around me, because that’s not fair to you. Like I’m setting all these guidelines for him to follow and I’m not modeling it, and it was. I was being a bad example. I was not present, I was not hearing him. He just needed me to help him with his homework and I’m over here. You know being crazy mom.
0:16:19 – Speaker 2
Well, it’s easy to go there, and I think it’s important here to set a parameter around this, because it’s easy for us to like beat ourselves up, and so I know for us. You know, my three kids have nine million stories all day long, constantly.
Because they’re smaller than younger, and yes, and they don’t recognize what’s happening around them, like I could be on the phone having a work conversation and they’ll be like I have to tell you about this new Pokemon, like right now, yeah, and so I think it’s really important, when you feel like you’re in that space and you do want to hear your kid, that you learn how to explain to them. I want to hear you. This is important to me, let me in this conversation and then I can give you all of my attention. And that has been really life changing for me, because there’s always so much going on and it’s okay to have a work issue, or it’s okay to be cooking dinner. Obviously, it’s okay to be focused on something, or even multitasking if it’s appropriate, but not going into crazy mom mode and not pretending to hear, I think is the deal.
0:17:22 – Speaker 3
Well, and I think is. I think this is a great point, I think, as moms of younger kids too, where you are also helping your kid filter out, like when you need to interrupt mom and dad and when you don’t need to interrupt Because there are some emergencies that you need to absolutely. Even if you’re on a work call, they need to interrupt you. Like if brother is bleeding in the hallway, you need to be interrupted.
0:17:46 – Speaker 2
I actually had one kid with poop in his hand once I needed to be interrupted. He was like mom, mom, mom, I’m like Wow, I know there is poop in your hand.
0:17:57 – Speaker 3
This is why I say I love having 500 teenagers.
0:18:01 – Speaker 2
I can’t, I would have started throwing up, right. I mean, it’s like you know, sometimes it is an emergency that you don’t expect or know how to deal with.
0:18:09 – Speaker 3
But you’re teaching your kids that filter. I think, I think that’s important.
0:18:13 – Speaker 2
Well, yeah, because I used to fly off the handle and be like I say the same thing, baba, stop, or give me a minute. And so now I just stop what I’m doing, I turn quietly and say what you have to say is so important to me Let me finish this first. Yeah, and I think that creates that space for them, that what that I, I want to hear them. It’s just not the right time.
0:18:34 – Speaker 3
So, as a mom of older kids, another thing that really I’ve noticed lately, especially because I have a teenager and adults will come up and talk to her and ask her questions yes, listen, parents, don’t interrupt your kid. I Found myself doing that like I’ll finish the sentence for her, because I’ll hear an adult ask her a question and she’s not really answering the question, and so I like want to get in there and answer the question for her.
0:19:02 – Speaker 2
That’s not just the teenagers. That’s bad, it’s bad and it’s all ages.
0:19:07 – Speaker 3
Don’t interrupt, like let your husband, let yours, let your kids finish their, their thoughts, their sentences, you don’t need to. And sometimes we just think that we know what they’re gonna say, because we like, oh, we know them so well, so we just like finish it. And then they look at you and like that’s not what I was gonna say, like just stop interrupting, because it just tells your kid they’re not hearing me or their words aren’t even important. That’s what we’re telling our kids.
0:19:31 – Speaker 2
I’m so glad that you made this point also about hearing our kids, because this was made really. It just really came to light for me one day in my front yard, my neighbor, she has two boys and she one of her boys loves to talk to adults, but he Really takes his time when he’s, yeah, telling a story, yeah, or when he’s answering a question that this is me, and I kind of want to rush him along, cuz, yeah, I don’t want to take up this person’s time.
0:20:01 – Speaker 3
Yes, yes.
0:20:04 – Speaker 2
So I do it too and I I’m telling you was like the Holy Spirit is, like I want you to watch this and I’m in the yard with her and I ask a question and her son is responding to me and I mean, I have my purse, I’m clearly like I got to go and she never, over the years that I’ve known her almost six years now never Interrupts her son and allows him to finish his thought. And it has made a huge impression on me because she will not rush him along, she won’t finish the story, for him, which is so good.
0:20:34 – Speaker 3
As a mom, that’s a I’m Bad at that.
0:20:37 – Speaker 2
I need to realize how bad I was because I was like wanting to interrupt for her and he’s not even my son. I want to be like, okay, yes, and then, yeah, the dog ran over there and it was so funny.
0:20:48 – Speaker 3
Okay, I gotta go back. Need to go to your neighbor so she can teach us some things, because that is she got it. Finding myself doing that?
0:20:55 – Speaker 2
Well, I do it with my kids, especially my quiet kid I, because he will answer slowly.
0:21:01 – Speaker 1
Yes, and I want to rush through. They’re more analytical. Yeah, he needs to think it through.
0:21:04 – Speaker 3
So they’re thinking through.
0:21:05 – Speaker 2
Yes, but that’s part of growing up. He needs that space to do that and I will finish his sentence. Yeah, and it has affected him so much now that he won’t even say anything. And so when I had that moment in the yard like, oh my gosh, I have done this, I have finished his sentences for so many years as a little kid that now he’s uncomfortable responding to adults at all, so did you circle back in a politics? Oh my goodness, I did.
And I had to say bub, your words and thoughts are valid and important and mom is always rushing and trying to finish things and that’s not OK. And he totally understood and was kind, as most kids are. They’re gracious when you circle back, but it just hurt me deeply that I had done it for so long that it affected him seriously in that way. So your kids need to know that what they have to say is important, that we’re willing to hear them, even if it takes time. Don’t interrupt.
0:21:55 – Speaker 3
Yeah, I’ve just noticed myself doing this more and more and more and we got to be careful with it because it really does tell them nobody wants to hear me, not even my mom wants to hear me. Right, we don’t want to send that message. So I kind of want to. We’ve been saying circle back a lot. I kind of want to circle back to this main story that we opened with when I totally messed up here, which was kind of the idea for the show.
I’ve learned a really cool thing through this. So one of the conversations when we circled back and had some good conversation was me telling this child listen, because this was an agenda being pushed on my kid and I didn’t like it. Right, I got defensive. I was able to tell her how important it is that she hears God’s voice over anyone else’s. I said not mine, not coach, not a pastor, not a teacher. They’re all going to get it wrong because they’re people and we fail, we misstep, we say the wrong things, and so we had this beautiful conversation about how hearing God’s voice and I just thought it was just like a moment, because here it was about like God was teaching me to hear my kid right and now he’s showing me. Ok, but really I need your kid to just hear me. That’s amazing.
0:23:22 – Speaker 2
You know what I mean.
0:23:23 – Speaker 3
Like, it was just a moment and I thought, Lord, he answered my prayers, Like he showed me this new thing because I was willing to admit my mistakes and humble myself and walk through this. Do the hard work.
0:23:36 – Speaker 2
Do the hard work, and it is hard work. Talking with our kids, hearing them, understanding their culture, all the things that we have to do to fight for them and equip them to be a light in this world is hard, it’s not easy, and when we really hear them, we truly hear them, then we earn the right to speak truth into them like this hey, I have a strong opinion on this, but at the end of the day, it’s really what God is saying to you. That’s important. That’s where we want to be. That’s where we get to be if we can be transparent and be willing to say sorry.
0:24:09 – Speaker 3
Well, in being modeling those traits of humility and transparency. I mean that’s what Jesus did. He modeled humility. I mean he came and there was no room for him at the end. He left kingdom where everybody worshiped him all day long, and came in in this humble way as a baby. There wasn’t room for him in the end. And I just think that’s a picture of how we’re supposed to be as parents, with that humility, and how we’re supposed to approach our kids.
0:24:40 – Speaker 2
So hearing them is the first step, but it opens up conversations about who they need to hear and I think that’s, like you said, the bottom line. The important part of this whole conversation is, yes, we need to hear them and teach them what that looks like, but it points them to Jesus at the end of the day, and that’s really what everything we do here is all about at nextTalk pointing our kids back to Jesus, the real truth and the real answer.
0:25:06 – Speaker 3
So as a wrap up today one avoid lecture mode. We have to learn to be a good listener. Two don’t interrupt. What I couldn’t help myself that was good, cam that was good. And three teach your kids to hear God’s opinion louder than anyone else’s. It’s a full circle moment about hearing.
0:25:34 – Speaker 1
Thanks for joining us on nextTalk Radio with Mandy and Kim on AM630, the Word. You are not alone trying to figure out how to parent in this digital world. We are here with practical solutions to help you. Follow us on Facebook, instagram and Twitter. Find our video series and podcast at NextTalkorg. Are you ready for the nextTalk?
Transcribed by https://podium.page
